17 august 2012

Things are going, not sure where but i just follow the path put before me. Had an interview today, all went well and i am hopeful. College is progressing and well it's school. Want to say a lot more here but some feel the need to censor me so i put in a word document and save for later. when i write my book it will go in so i don't forget. I am well as can be for being stuck in new york. summer is fading fast and winter will be here before you know it. what can i do? deal with it and live my life i guess. so good day to all and enjoy :) huggles

7 august 2012

why do i cry? is it for the loss? is it for love? no, it's for being forgotten. left behind to live my own life. it sucks but hey i move forward and try to forget. but i can't forget. i can't let go. my love, my be all, end all gave up on me. didn't try to break down the wall. i cry for the kids, i cry for what could have been. i cry for what should have been. another birthday gone by, hers, and i feel it. the loss and the hurt of not being there when i should have been. it all comes crashing down on me. crushing me and suffocating. why? i take the blame. i own up to my failure. still the pain rips through me like a sword on a warm summers day.spilling my blood on the field. i lay bleeding and defenseless. i beg to my god to take me, no answer. go figure!!! am i forced to suffer?  what am i to do? i play nice and don't stir trouble. only to get shit thrown back at me. why? what is the end result? i do not know? i live my life and try to forget. some days are better then others. maybe, just maybe the disease will take me. leave me to wither away to nothing. i can only hope and death take me, quickly. but that is not the case. i suffer everyday and bear the pain. so be it life bring it, i'll take it and make me stronger. i will not be beaten down. i will get back up and go forward. as long as there is a breath in me i will continue to fight. bring it, try me all you will. i won't back down.

1 august 2012

the last 3 days have been something else. i've never cried this much. i've cried tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears of pain and tears of anger. then i've cried just to cry. they say tears are feelings the heart can't hold anymore and i believe that. my life has come full circle and then some. i really have no idea where i am or where i'm going. I'm just going with it and letting the chips fall where they may. i have some terrific friends and some new/old ones :) Life is good but something is missing. i still feel empty inside. don't know if that feeling will ever go away. in a way i hope it doesn't. the pain defines me, makes me who i am. the sadness reminds me of who i used to be. I strive everyday to be a better person. I try to make someone else's life better or at least put a smile on their face.it's the least i can do for all i've been given. i'm thankful for that everyday. huggles

23 july 2012

ok so it's the end of my bday and a great day it was :) having an awesome thunderstorm right now. what a way to top off my day :) worked this am and then and went to spend time with my daughter. my mary got me a cake (thank you soooo much) and shared it with friends. hung out and had dinner. it was delicious. spaghetti and meatballs :) brooklynn and i hung out and goofed and tweeted. then they did dance3 on the wii. had a fun day. talked to shadow and he's in good spirits but i miss him terribly. the ex called and was excellent and i got to talk to jt. she talked to me some more and was sad. this is the first time in 12 years were not together for bdays and such and yes it hurts. she always liked to make bdays a big deal and i'm glad she did. i miss it too. only hope from here on out we can be better friends and enjoy these things more even tho we are apart. i only wish happiness and great things for all. huggles

16 july 2012

Oh wow how time flies. school is really busy and so is work. spending time with brooklynn has been great. she spent a couple nights in a row and had fun. she went to work with me today and then we went to see dark shadows with johnny depp. went with Michaela, breeanna and collette. the movie was ok glad we went to the 2 dollar movie theater. had fun and laughed and joked up there and back. really glad to see the 3 girls together. haven't seen them like that since they were like 6 or 7. how they have grown. damn i'm getting old but it's all good. my life is going where i want it to and i'm enjoying. who would have thought i'd end here and doing what i'm doing. i don't question it, i just go with the flow and happy that i have good friends to hang with. Love you all for everything. Big huggles to Tammy and collette for always pushing me to do my school work. you have no idea how much that means to me. huggles

11 july 2012

what a great night, my day was kinda crappy but brooklynn decided to spend the night and we are having fun :) Uncle Lynn is playing some jamms and brooklynn is singing away. Lynn is amazed at how good she is. I gave him some suggestions of what to play to make her sing and he did. I am so glad my baby girl is here. I have missed her sooooo much. to spend time with her is a gift and i am grateful beyond anything. I really don't deserve this but thank the forces that be for the it. huggles

july 10 2012

some days are harder than others.
today is one of those days.
my memories haunt me.
feelings linger.
hurt and disappointment.
happiness eludes me today.
I am strong and will be well.
Time has a way of showing the way.
missing
longing
wanting

6 july 2012

well here we are again. 2 months since i left florida and it seems like ages. my life has turned around sooo much in the last month :) brooklynn is here and it's great to see her. seems all grown up yet still a kid. i miss my little man but i know he is in good hands and all is well. so many opportunities have come my way, not sure which way to go. i pray for guidance and hope for the best. Adam castle is here visiting from arizona, says i should come out there as i'm going into IT. he says phoenix is the new silicon valley. as i'm into computers like i am he says thats the place i should be. tons of jobs but i need to get my degree first. so i guess i'll wait and see what happens. my brothers roommate is moving out and he offered me the room. says that it might me do good there. who knows, been looking at jobs around there and seems like it. Then the girl i'm friends with from florida, gretchen is her name :) got a marriage proposal from her bf on july 4th during the fireworks finally. it was sooo romantic. congrats and then i was asked to come to the wedding. so i guess i'm here for at least a year. can't miss that wedding, not letting friends down ever again. so i'm drawn in many different directions. just winging it for now, my path is there and i'm just walking it and enjoying life as it is. It is an awesome time to be alive :) huggles 

Wide Awake - Katy Perry

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?
I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long


I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete


Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end


I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete


Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
But I'm not blind anymore...

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake


Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

Behind Blue Eyes

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man
To be the sad man behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated, to be fated to telling only lies

But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings like I do and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain and woe can show through

But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours only lonely
My love is vengeance, that's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man
To be the sad man behind blue eyes

one direction - what makes you beautiful

You're insecure
Don't know what for
You're turning heads when you walk through the door
Don't need make up
To cover up
Being the way that you are is enough

Everyone else in the room can see it
Everyone else but you

Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
Oh Oh
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
Oh oh
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
That what makes you beautiful

So c-come on
You got it wrong
To prove I'm right I put it in a song
I don't know why
You're being shy
And turn away when I look into your eyes

Everyone else in the room can see it
Everyone else but you

Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
Oh oh
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
Oh oh
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
That's what makes you beautiful


Nana Nana Nana Nana
Nana Nana Nana Nana
Nana Nana Nana Nana

Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
Oh Oh
You don't know you're beautiful


Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell
You don't know
Oh oh
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
Oh Oh
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
That's what makes you beautiful

free to wear sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of  2012
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Happy 4th :)

I’d thank my lucky stars
to be livin here today
‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom
and they can’t take that away

And I’m proud to be an American
where at least I know I’m free
And I wont forget the men who died
who gave that right to me

And I gladly stand up
next to you and defend her still today
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land
God bless the USA

From the lakes of Minnesota
to the hills of Tennessee
Across the plains of Texas
From sea to shining sea

From Detroit down to Houston
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart
and its time we stand and say

That I’m proud to be an American
where at least I know I’m free
And I wont forget the men who died
who gave that right to me

And I gladly stand up
next to you and defend her still today
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land
God bless the USA

And I’m proud to be and American
where at least I know I’m free
And I wont forget the men who died
who gave that right to me

And I gladly stand up
next to you and defend her still today
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land
God bless the USA

Fun. - Some Nights

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck;
 some nights, I call it a Draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype - save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack
My style

And that's alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Oh, who am I?

Some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win

Rhianna - We found Love

Yellow diamonds in the light
Now we’re standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive

It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny
But I’ve gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place


Shine a light through an open door
Love a life I will divide
Turn away 'cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind

lost in thought

I have a photograph
It's a picture of you
Happy times and places
when i'm sad i think of you
the smile on your face
the light in your eye
I have a photograph
it's a picture of us
happy times
I have memories
they are fading............

think about it

the light traveled far and fast only to find darkness had beaten it there.

moon and stars

do you look at the moon and stars?
do you ever think, are they looking to?
Do you see the beauty in it?
Then dream a little dream of me :)

30 june 2012 late night

I feel the need to write, why who knows, but my ex is a wonderful person. maybe not to me but she is. a saint in human form. why do i say this? because she pretty much raised her brother and sister by herself growing up. she had a rough childhood. I know things most people don't and i will never take that away from her. she deserves kudos for what she has done. She has done great things. putting up with my shit for 12 years. LOL But other great things and she was trying to make it in this crazy world and doing the best she could. I will always love her for that. Thank you for the time I had with you. It was a pleasure and an honor.
My daughter is the most wonderful. She has been through soooo much and still manages to go on. sometimes i wonder how she does it. I draw my strength from her. won't go into what she has gone through here but her and i know. i'm proud of her and everything will work out.
My sons, jt and shadow. JT you have been an inspiration to me. how you have dealt with this and handled it is out of this world. like a true jedi, you make me proud. Please keep it up and never forget i love you.
Shadow, you are the greatest gift the world has given me. I have and always will be your biggest fan. I will try to teach you from afar and guide you on your journey. please understand this. I know it's hard being so far away. I love you with all that i am. I only want the best for you. I try everyday to better myself. I try not to dwell on the past. I look to a brighter future for me and you.
I have opportunities and hope they work out.
Lourin please have some faith in me. I do what i do to make a better future for us all. If moving out west is in the cards then you have to let me go. it's not over some woman or some fancy, it's an opportunity to change my life for the better. understand that pheonix, az is the new silicon valley. It's where i belong i believe. I don't know, haven't a clue. I pray and hope this is where i'm supposed to be. I don't question the universe. I follow the doors that open to me. please understand this.   ok thats all i got. cried enough over this. huggles

30 june 2012 evening

what is my life? how is it defined? a roller coaster ride of emotions today. happiness, sadness, love , hate, joy,disappointment, longing and wanting to just disappear.
why can't I?
that's the most pressing question on my mind.
why shouldn't I?
why is not about me, not that self centered but why are others? why is it about them and meddling? they are just words, i throw them out there and you give them meaning. I don't don't try to be hurtful just my thoughts. an insight into who i am and what i'm becoming. growing, learning. I'll never be able to please anybody, so i please myself. remember that please. huggles

30 june 2012

words do hurt and sometimes we forget that. every action has a reaction. never really thought about the things i write here and how they might affect others. my words hurt. i hurt still but need to realize that others are hurting to. time to be real and stop being a douche. life has taken another turn and changes are happening. huggles

thoughts

"I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said."

29 june 2012 120am

thunderstorm here :) i walked in the grass barefoot and danced in the rain naked :) feeling free and awesome. i so love thunderstorms :) glad i am free to do what i wish and what i want when i want to. freedom oh sweet freedom. huggles

28 june 2012 afternoon

ok it's been an awesome day :) i'm at a cross roads in my life. thinking of standing in the middle and burying the things needed to call crowley and make a deal. not really but sometimes it seems it would be easier. and if your wondering, it's a reference to the tv show supernatural. anyway not sure what to do. i know i'm moving but not sure where. it will be out west. looking into jobs and i guess whatever one i get will determine where i go. why move? i've done what i needed here and it's time for me. i needed to heal and find my purpose and i've done that. i'm over her totally and have moved on. really want nothing to do with her anymore. she can live her life. i'm living mine. don't have anymore time to dwell on the past. the future is fast approaching and i need to make my place before it's too late. huggles

28 june 2012

what a beautiful night :) it's in the low 60's and i can see all the stars. it's so beautiful. it put's life in a new place. i've forgotten my place and now i know. life is great and the universe is right again.

26 june 2012

mornings are the worst. the mind seems undefended,easy prey for both memories and imagination. what happened, what should've happened, what might happen someday. your fault. my fault. no one's fault. the only way to relieve the torment is to get up, empty the bladder, drink the coffee, read the paper, run the treadmill, perform the animal sacrifice, paint the blood on the groin and call upon the demonic spirits to bring you back.

Nights are bad too. once again, exhaustion makes the mind vulnerable to obsessing over woulda, coulda, shoulda. the only thing to do is sit alone and eat the chicken which was senselessly murdered in the morning.

                                                                                             chuck lorre

25 june 2012

ok they have hurricane debby and are flooded. went to hotel and left cats behind. nice really nice whatever. and  keep those kids safe.
well my life is awesome :) got some info and may be moving to another state :) looking into it and finding opportunities are every where. if this rgh doesn't work then i'm moving. i have a great lead and i'm taking it. things are looking up and i'm awesome. so glad i let her go. she made her bed now she can sleep in it. i've moved on and actually met a girl from new port richey living in sodus. we hit it off and are seeing each other as friends for now. i enjoy her company and she enjoy's mine. who would have thought. things would work out that way. life moves that way and karma is a real bitch enjoy huggles

21 june 2012

Well i'm doing ok i guess. haven't talked to the ex in awhile and it's strange. after 12 years and talking everyday and then nothing, it's leaves you a bit empty. i'm coping the best i can. it will get better in time.
school is becoming a pain. now they want us to put a video and mp3 on our web page. i understand we need to do this but i think it's, well ok we need to learn to do it. anyway it's tough as this css style sheet stuff has a learning curve. but i'll be damned if i can figure it out. oh i will i hope. just need to find the line of code that let my borders on the pictures show up.
not sure if i should say anything but was looking at flights today. planning a vacation to new mexico in sept or oct. just need to get away and have friends out there i can stay with. from there i can see all the attractions. would like to see the grand canyon but not sure if i'll make it there. anyway not even sure if i can. money is running out and no jobs around here. hoping martha finds out something and i can get the internship. if not i may go to best buy and see about working there. something will happen i just know it. god has put me on my path and is opening doors. i just need to recognize them and take them. i know i'll catch hell for not planning a vacation with my kids but sometimes things happen for a reason. why did i get invited to NM? is there something there? i don't have the answers i only go to what doors open. it's all i can do. i pray for guidance and hope my decisions are good and sound. huggles

17 june 2012

so i put myself out there, let him move in and was a friend. we talked yes it was strained but we talked. i know she's upset with herself and me but planning a day with his daughter and my kids. really.  only 5 months together and your going to take it all away. fine, your lies will catch with you and your deception. you say you care, right, remember like you always said actions speak louder than words. whatever, hope you have a great day and dismiss me as always. it's about what you want and what makes you happy. whatever.

Anyways had a good day and following my heart. my head says other things but don't care. i've always liked/loved this woman and now i have the chance i'm taking it. she feels the same and has asked me to wait. i will do that. i'm not going anywhere for now. i'll let her figure out what she wants and go from there.

On a brighter note martha lightfoot came in to get some wine. asked me how i was doing and was wondering why i was back. told her what had happened and that i'm going to college. she then said that RGH is always looking for intern IT techs. asked if i would be interested. well hell yeah, sign me up. so she is going to find out and let me know. i couldn't ask for anything better, wow life just keeps getting better everyday. i've been crying and smiling since i got home. sad and happy but thats life. it's like a roller coaster, either scream or enjoy the ride. (i love roller coasters btw) huggles

june 16 2012

well it's been a busy week for me. took time off this morning and went to the lake. went down to the end of west port bay road. sat and just listened to the waves. got my head together and my soul. that was what i needed. never thought i would say this but i am glad to be home. i am so drawn to the lake and the woods. don't know why but i feel right really right. anyhoot come back home and worked more on my homework. it's going good. shadow called and he got in trouble. nothing big just talking back and attitude. had a good talk with him and skyped with him later on. it was a joy to see him. i miss my little man soooo much. well kk was here and he got to see her and talk to her. do you think my ex could have popped on and said hi to kk. nope didn't want to see me or talk. thats good cuz i really don't want to see or talk to her either. i'm ready to leave all of that behind and have pretty much. i've moved on after all the crap thats been going on. don't want it, don't need it. she wants drama she can have it, i want no part of it. i have enough of my crap to deal with. started another class so now my time is gone. need to concentrate on school. i feel bad for her and what she's going through but have my own stuff. wish her the best of luck and much happiness. school awile back sent me an email asking if i wanted to take eng125 test. if i passed i wouldn't have to take the class. well i signed up for it and just heard back today. i can schedule the test when i'm ready in the next 2 weeks. i have monday and tuesday off so i'm thinking either this tuesday or next. i'm excited. things are finally going my way and looking up. positive attitude and smiling really do help. huggles.

june 14 2012

well there comes a time when drama needs to go. i'm trying to move on but she isn't and doesn't want me to. says she does but still holds on. i don't understand it. not trying to anymore. i just want peace and happiness between us. trying to give her that but she doesn't see it.

Well yesterday was a great/bad day. why both? it was a beautiful day. sunshine in the 70's a slight breeze just nice. had friends come out of the woodwork to talk to me. had people i hadn't talk to in years message me or call me to make sure everything was ok. i am truely blessed. never would have dreamed it. Didn't get to talk to my son. i think thats the first time that i wanted to talk to him but didn't. no fault of my own but still. no matter whats going on he is still my son and i'm still part of his life and always will be. then i went to work and had people asking me about her and us. just reminders there all the time. makes it tough to move on but nice in a way to remember the good and not dwell on the bad. this is tough time for me as i try to wrap my head around it all. pray and hope for the best.

well school is going ok. this weeks homework was tough. love the css style sheet but having a tough time figuring out where things need to go. lots of reading and web classes. i'll get it just need to put more time and effort. when the project is done it will be good and the store will have a great web site.
well back to web class, huggles

june 6 2012

Well everything has been well. Class is going good. this css style sheet has me...wow...need to learn a lot more. got the jist of it but still trying to figure out the whole thing. been talking to the ex, it's ok but somethings not right. don't know what it is. we get talking and everything is good then it's like she realizes who she's actually talking to and clams up. can only hope it gets easier with time. I mean her no ill will or harm. just a friendship that can be stronger than any she has ever had. don't think she gets that or is afraid of it. I'm here doing my thing she is there doing hers. it's strange to say the lest but i'm ok.

Ok been at the store almost month now. things are good. this girl keeps coming in and harassing me. well come to find out it's flirting. she likes me but doesn't know me so she busts on me. Cindy that works here knows her. told me that she likes me. i am not ready. i have nothing to give anybody. what i mean is emotional and monetary. would like to ask her out which i might do but will let her know where i am in life and see what she wants to do. really not ready, don't know if i ever will be. never thought i'd be here in my life. just want to crawl into a hole and hide away forever. i fight that everyday, stand tall and smile i tell myself. he has a plan for you. everything will work out in time. patience, so i wait. huggles 

june 5 2012

well had a lazy stay inside day yesterday. watch some how i met your mother episodes. played around with my class project. but did much of nothing. the night before hung out with friends till about 3am. was tired and beat but worth it. good friends and good times.
got called or asked to work today. didn't really have any plans but hanging with jimmy and sarah. called them and they were calling me, too funny. let them know i was working and they said that was fine stop after work. i will. who knows who will stop by. i've seen people i haven't seen in years. it's good to know some things really don't change. good friends hanging out and having fun. Life has put me where i need to be. It will all work out and be what it is. not sure but i'm having a good time and enjoying life. maybe this is it, the end all to be all. Right back where i started and maybe end. If it ends i can say i had a great time. woohoo. no regrets, well only one but i'm working on fixing that or figuring it out. huggles

june 3 2012 afternoon

I have loved, but didn't know how to.
I have lost, but didn't know.
I have been found, but didn't know.

I was loved, and knew it.
I was lost, but i was found.
I was found, but got lost.

I had it all, but threw it away.
I live in an empty shell, but full of regret.
I lost it all. only to go looking for something not there.

I am lost. I am forgotten.
I am unloved, I am empty.
I look at that moon, are looking to?
Thinking once what was, but now is gone.
Memories is all, fading, drifting, lost.

june 3 2012

ok so it doesn't get easier. didn't talk to her yesterday and it hurt. I understand what's going on but i thought you were my friend or trying to be. not asking much or am I? I guess it doesn't matter, let it go and live my life. it's just hard trying to take someone out of your heart. time.......

well shadow gave me a quick call just now and that made my day. I try not to cry but i miss him so much. he is doing good and has some friends he plays with. I remember that growing up. friendships made now will last a lifetime.

Went and saw Snow White and the Huntsman last night with Lynn, KK and Sarah. It was awesome. They took some liberties but it true to the grimm fairy tale. It blew me away. made me cry at some parts. the director really pulls you in. afterwards went over to sarah and jimmy's and hung out. Had a great time. Jimmy said it, with old friends you just pick up where you left off. Can't thank them enough for being there. they are making a tough time easier. huggles

june 2nd 2012

ok it's been a month (almost) since i left florida. things are way different. don't care anymore. following my dream. doing what i want. no matter i slow i go i'm still lapping those on the couch. life is full of possibilities and i'm taking them all. burning bridges and leaving people behind. either be in my life or get out. i will not be used or there when it's convenient for you. for whoever wants me in their life i will always be there, whenever and however you need. have a few peeps i talk to everyday now. either texting or calling or visiting. i'm learning to have a friend you first must be a friend. doing that and more. because if i have your back i want you to have mine. i feel so empowered it's incredible. Learning and knowing stuff i knew along but waited for peeps to show their true colors.
School is going ok. I have a chat session here in about 20 mins. going to learn something new. i am psyched. never thought life would bring here but it has and i'm making the most of it. struggling but it will make me stronger and a better person. ok need to get stuff done. huggles

june 1st 2012

ok this rocks! learning new web design stuff and it rocks! i knew this stuff but didn't know what it was called. now i do. it's css and i never imagined what i could with it. knew the basics but oh there is so much more. what is css? it's a style for web design. you can put borders around all the pictures with one line of code. make the first letter of every sentence bold make a link a different color when it's been clicked. it's so cool. well to me anyway.
Rainy day here so went to sodus and got Chinese  at my fav spot. fried dumplins and boneless bbq spare ribs, yum. ok back to the books. need to write a 600 or more word paper on good vs. bad web design. then to work more on my web page project. oh got an email from the school asking if like to test out of eng 125. they asked if i thought i was good with english composition i could test out and that would let me pass the class. if i failed it wouldn't be held against me i would just have to take the class. gonna try it. what the heck, nothing ventured, nothing gained. huggles

may 31 2012

Well here i am. That point in your life when you say "how the hell did i get here" scared, of what i may become. scared of moving on but knowing i have to. i see people around here that were out of work got hurt and can't work. on a fixed income or dss. struggling to make it day to day. will i become that? doing what i'm doing will it make me better? the economy is shit and there is no end in sight. will i work like this the rest of my life? just barely scrapping by? maybe the winters will take me, freeze me and take me. one can hope and dream. seriously i don't want that but it gets cold here damn it. will i be forced to spend a couple weeks a year with my kids? scared of the future. only i can change it. nobody's gonna make me do it. some might ask but i have to do it. the future is unknown but i can see something. it's like a painting and your the painter. it's what you put on the canvas and make it what and how you want. it's up to me now. alone because i'm a moron, an ass, a jerk and blind. well my eyes are open and i'm painting my picture. ok got that out feel better. huggles

tuesday may 29

ok changes are happening and i'm scared. scared to move on.
got my first phase of my web project done. learning new software is a pain. going to redo the whole thing and it will rock.(i hope)
missing my kids terribly and want to see them.
my plate is full right now. wow who would have thought a couple months ago i'd be here, doing what i'm doing.
all is good in my world. hurting still but have just about cut all ties with the ex. we will see what happens. hoping we can still be friends but the outlook isn't good. i still pray and hope for the best but expect the worst. i need to heal and find myself. this is so hard, thought i'd be with her forever. she was supposed to be my last. just need to get this out. need to vent. have no friends to talk to about this or care to listen. such is my life, forever alone i guess. my own doing. my burden, my cross to bear. so be it. test me lord, i will not fail. my faith is strong. my path set before and i fear but know you walk with me. so bring it big guy what else you have? i can take it, so bring it.
tomorrow is my mom's birthday. she passed in february. i miss her but know she is in a better place. Love you with all that i am. so with that i say huggles.

follow up 2

ok the last post is the last post i put up about her i think. at least like that. no more bashing or blaming. putting it behind and moving on. never wanted to hurt lourin with posts or anything was just trying to make sense of it all. it seems i did, put her in tears. i still care about her so a little compassion. time to grow up so to speak. chin up and grow from this. huggles

sunday may 27

wow what a day. busy and exhausting. I AM AWESOME,  college is ok but this virtual stuff takes some gettin used to. not sure about the live chat sessions. i'm supposed to attend but they are all wacky. seriously, i'll get it i hope. and this first project has me loopy. we are supposed to design a web page. the instructor notes gives us extra days for back order of textbooks and software. do i hard code and make it up or what? sent an email but haven't heard back. the instruction are ok i guess but confusing to me. need to really sit down and go over it i guess. just nervous and worried is all. i need this, no i want this more then anything. well almost but thats neither here nor there. going out to the sterling renn faire tomorrow and tuesday to help clean up more. can't wait, i'm excited. for helping i get a season pass which is cool. i'll be out there every sunday. ok back to the books. I am ok and nothing is wrong, huggles :)

I admit
I did it
I feel in love
an angel from above
I clipped her wings full
swallowed her soul.
She found her wings,
rang the bell,
condemned me to hell
then flew away without rings.

I cry myself to sleep,
I am a creep,
In hell i dwell,
and that's just swell.
I'll pay my price,
for not being nice.

Lesson learned,
Love still yearns,
One day out of the blue,
She'll realize she still wants you.

Changes taking place,
Life is moving at a fast pace,
When the time comes,
Will you still want some?

Time heals wounds,
Love finds goons,
Nice guys finish last,
This guy won't move fast.
He'll wait many moons,
To find the love he lost,
doesn't matter the cost.

How do you forget about the one you Love? How do you go on with your life when she's all i think about? How come everything i see reminds me of her? How do you let go? How do i move on?
The answers elude me. Time i guess and patience. Everybody tells me this is normal and it will get better. i don't want better, i want her. I don't feel complete, it's like my better half is missing. actually she is. I'm hoping time and distance will help but not so far. I didn't talk to her at all today. i feel out of sorts. I feel i should apologize, don't know why but i feel that way. Then again she never tried to contact me. guess she's over me and has moved on. guess she was blowing smoke up my skirt about everything she told me. yuppers keep me holding on just in case i guess. i'll be the back up. what happens when i'm not there? how will she survive? again no answers. I take one day at a time and hope for the best. I still cry but not as much. the pain is real. where do i go from here? how do i do this without her? she will always be a part of my life because of our kids but not like it was. thats what hurts. i brought this on myself, I could have stopped it. thats the other hurt. I'm worthless and a failure.

ok so i'm back in new york. starting college for 2 years for IT. hanging out and enjoying life. it's been a hard winding road to this point. i see the light at the end of the tunnel just wondering when i'm gonna get there. miss my family and the pain is real. i have never felt this way before. changing and growing but how do i show he r this? how do i let her know? only time i guess and patience. wait i will, i'm in no hurry. have the rest of my life ahead of me. i've made my peace and forgave. now to do what i need to do. not sure where my path may lead but it has been set before me. i take one day at a time and hope for the best. love to all and huggles. hope this finds you healthy and happy.

sunday april 22

i know it's been awhile but really busy here. still haven't found a job so going to plan b. don't want to but have no choice. packing up and moving back to new york. thinking of making a pit stop in virginia for a couple weeks and see if i can't get a job there. my brother chris offered for me to stay there so i think i will take him up on it. i already started job searching in his area and filled out a couple of applications. i'm hopeful but the job market is bleak. my ex keeps complaining she can't trust me not to change as a leopard can't change his spots. well thankfully i'm not a leopard. i'm human and we are capable of change. i've seen it first hand. i know i can and would have for her but she can't and won't accept it. she finally has what she thinks she wants but what happens when he falls into his routine and she doesn't like it. he is old fashion and i don't think capable of change or won't. set in his ways and doesn't want to or won't change. not my problem her's. I know i can change and once i'm out of her shadow i know i can and will. have my reminders and this blog to tell me and remind me of the things i did wrong and the changes i need to keep making. know that i need to keep the romance alive to spoil every couple of months. flowers and complainants and the weekend at a hotel. it goes a long way believe me i've seen it. need to remember to fall in love with that person over and over again. wish things could have been different but it's not in the cards for me. i feel worthless and a failure and everything i do is wrong. that's the situation i'm in now. I will change not an easy road ahead but a positive attitude and eyes open. need to focus on me and my work. of course i need a job but when i do get one i'll put everything into it. thought i was ready to start seeing other people and even meet a couple. was seeing one and was going good till my ex couldn't handle it and stopped it and ended it. that really hurt. I see my folly now, i was grasping for something that wasn't there. looking for an out. she won't let that happen as long as i'm here. so i need to do this, need space between us so we can get closure and live our lives. she needs this more than me. she is still holding on and feels the need to take care of me and look out for me. we both need to let go. we are good friends now and need to keep that but need miles between us so we can truely let go. so with a heavy heart and feelings i still don't understand i pack and get ready to leave.  hopefully peace will finally find me. with love to all and huggles, Randy

monday 2 april

ok it's been busy. job searching and finding a place to stay. found a place it's a roommate kinda thing and works for now. when i get working and see how much i'm making then i can go from there to see what i can afford. the job thing is different. but applied to a couple of jobs through a service called snagajob. they are like monster or CareerBuilder but are local. have an interview with them on wednesday so they can better place me. i am hopeful and optimistic. things are finally moving along. i still have my issues but i'm working through them and learning nothing good comes from the feelings and things i dwell on. finally letting go and moving on. have to or i'll be stuck here in my own wallowing forever. yes somethings bother me but it's me realizing the things i never did and should have. learning from this and will apply it to next relationship. this is all new and i've learned to look at it from a different angle. instead of hate and such, i'm looking at it to learn to apply in the future and make me a better person. she might hate me and the next girl i'm with but i was doing that with her. she will get over it and move on like me. we are good friends now and talk when we can. she is still important in my life. just hopeful he can understand that and learn to live with the fact we are friends and always will be. well back at the job searching need to fill out as many as i can. till later friends, huggles, Randy

26 march 2012

you know what? I don't care anymore. Live your life the way you see fit. i'm living mine. you want to be friends then act like it and be an adult, not like some little kid on the playground. grow up and deal, i am. i've made mistakes, you've made mistakes it's called life. we learn from it and apply it and move on. There is no need for drama unless you want that. i had my blow out and i'm done. feel better now and soon i'll be gone. what then? actually don't care. i've put my faith where it needs to be. I trust and hope you will do the same. all will be ok if you let it. i try to tell you  things i see from a friend looking outside looking in. take it any way you wish. don't want to fight or argue but we will. both of us stubborn that way. we will make it through this and be good friends. Time and smiles and talk, good talk will make it work. i tried to make you happy and give you what you want but it's never good enough is it? you complain about me. all or nothing, well aren't you doing the same? wanting it all or nothing. i know it's been a roller coaster ride for you too. it will all be ok. I AM OUT OF YOUR LIFE, DONE. i get it. now lets work on being friends. that is all i ever wanted.  I am soooo happy for the both of you. you don't seem to get that. I finally get to see you happy. I know then i turn around and make it crap. well you do, because you make a big deal out of nothing. told exactly what happened and was trying to show my happiness. could you accept that? no, you had to get all mad and think something else was going and read into it what wasn't there. no motive, no agenda. wasn't going to say nothing but thought hey i'll show my happiness. that was all. hope you get married and have babies and all the happy wonderful stuff. wish you the best, really. I've gotten to my place where i am comfortable with it. I got a little freaked at the thought of being on my own. then they were sent to me, the people in my life to help on my path. that would be you Lourin and ken too. Irene and russell. colin helped also and i'm sure there will be others. your looking at the little picture. step back and look at the bigger picture. maybe you will see it. i sure hope so for everybody's sake. i just want what is best for all of us. i want to be friends. i would like all of us the get along and be able to spend time together. that is all. i wish to move onto the next phase of my life and know all of us are good and happy. i have changed and will keep changing. said some things i wish i hadn't but anger and frustration get in the way and i'm sorry. all will be good soon just hope you can find it in you to forgive. i know i have.
huggles, Randy

sun march 25

well what a weekend. went to the chasco festival yesterday and got lots of beads tons of hot women walking around half naked. damn i love florida. still having my own issues tho. i'm scared to be on my own. need to find work and an apartment. haven't been on my own in a very long time and it scares me. i'm so used to being with the same people. waking to them, cooking for them, cleaning doing laundry and such. when i move out it will be just me. maybe it will be a good thing. i hope so but still scared. so i'm looking at a couple places, and thinking of maybe getting a roommate or moving in with someone. not sure what i want. i want to be on my own but don't know if i can afford it. damn rent down here is expensive. sorry up north we had a 2 bedroom one bath for 450 plus utilities. and a 2 story 4 bedroom 2 bath house for 650 plus utilities. i found a nice apartment 2 bedrooms 1 bath for 550 a month plus utilities. around the corner from where i am now. not sure what utilities cost a month so i'm worried. i can do the rent but the other may break me. looking at my options and trying to figure out what to do. they are a few older peeps that rent rooms in there house by weekly rent. anywhere from 100 to 175. some with utilities some without where i need to pay half. looking into that to. life is ever changing. this is one change i wasn't ready for but learned from my mistake and moving forward and won't ever take woman for granted or neglect them again. the sadness is there for losing love always hurts but my happiness is returning knowing she has found her new love and they are truely happy together. we have become great friends. we are better at that then being lovers or a couple. now for me to find my happiness. maybe it's being alone, maybe it's the girl around the corner or maybe it's someone on here who i haven't meet yet. i am very hopeful for the future for i know if i stay positive good things will happen. so for now i say have a great day. huggles, Randy

thursday march 15

ok sorry folks, i know it's almost been a week. been busy taking care of mom business and packing stuff and going through stuff and such. got everything done and packed. loaded the truck and drove back to florida. got here and was missed by all. it was a great feeling. i missed everyone just as much. now we need to get the garage ready and the truck unpacked. lots more to do i pray for the strength to do it. my new journey begins. full circle i have come. where i go i haven't a clue. not worried for it's the journey not the destination that matters. so far it's been good. so for now i will say good night. huggles, Randy

friday march 9th

Well what can i say. why do i keep trying to please her, we left each other and she found someone new who makes her happy. does she want to keep me miserable? I added a friend on facebook she does not like. i did it to get insight into my past. now she is so upset over it she wants to unfriend me. but it's ok for her to have the friends i don't like. i never said anything, she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions. always her way i guess. it has me sad now that she even cares. i know she cares for me but we are done aren't we? so why can't i be friends with who i want. how did you find out i put her back on? and why does it matter to you? i guess i have alot more to learn because i don't get it. i'm trying to fix me and be a better person. i don't know anymore, confusion abounds. i care for her deeply still and will do what she asks. i've hurt her to many times to do that anymore. i guess i see her point now. i pray for guidance and help. it comes in strange manners but i see the signs. so with this i do what needs to done and asked of me. well i'll stop here my thoughts all jumbled need to think. till later, huggles, Randy

thursday march 8

well i'm at the internet cafe and feeling helpless. my ex needed my help on something and i helped. she has to work over and is feeling depressed and sad. i want to take away her sadness but she's not mine anymore. i'm troubled by this because i know her and i know what would cheer her up some. but i am here in ny and she is in florida so i still wouldn't be able to do anything. helpless and mad. i don't like seeing her like this. I pray for her. it's all i can do. so i go about doing my stuff but worry still. i try to put it out of my mind but it creeps back in. i tell myself why do you do this? she isn't your concern, leyt it go. i can't, 12 years is still 12 years and the caring i just can't put away. never will i don't think. so worry i do but i try to be her friend and let her bend my ear if she needs. she has been there for me, it's the least i can do. just needed to get that out. i feel a little better now. huggles, Randy

tuesday march 6th

Well here i am at mcdonalds again eating lunch with my terrific brother chris. i just realize how much i miss him. Today is full of emotion, going through moms stuff and sorting and stacking. memories everywhere. My thoughts turn to my ex, how is she, i read on facebook she isn't feeling well. i'm concerned. i still care about her. still have love for her. I try to tell myself we are done but it doesn't feel like it. i do know we are done i just don't want it to be done. Time will help and i am ok not losing my mind or hanging onto something thats not there. just getting the thoughts out my head. i hold hope for us cuz thats all i have right now. when i get my own apartment and start working that will go away.  i know this, need to heal. i worry when i do find someone. how will she hurt? how will she feel? i care so i worry. like i said when i started, full of emotion and regrets. why didn't i do this or that. if your reading this and trying to learn something, remember this one thing, never doubt yourself. push those doubts out and do the first thing you were gonna do. i don't know how many times i wanted to just take her and do her right there through the years. we would be cleaning or moving furniture and thought, i should just take her right now. then the doubt was there. what if she says what are doing? are you crazy? or yell and say not now we are busy. don't let it stop you, that first impulse, do it, take it. if you get stopped so be it. take the chance, nothing ventured, nothing gained. that is my new motto. thats how i'm living my life now. just gonna do it. if i get shot down, so be it. learn from it and move on. ok need to go now. huggles, Randy

monday march 5th

Well just like yesterday only worse, i awoke to snow. more today than yesterday and it's still coming down. we have at least a foot of fluffy snow. i knew this was going to happen. story of my life. sometimes i wonder, am i supposed be in new york? i look out at the snow and cold and say, heck no give me the warm weather or hot weather enough of the snow. Mom's memorial was tough. my ex emailed me a letter she wanted me to read and i did. I recorded it on my laptop and made it into a dvd if anybody would like email me or comment here and i'll get one out to you. it's been hard being away from my family. then my ex finally reads this blogs and seals the deal. that meaning we truly are done. maybe i still had hope, i feel that way at least. too much love for someone and not knowing how to show it. shame on me. the time away has showed me more pain. i wonder sometimes if i can make it through this. some days are better than others.if i don't talk to her i wonder what is going on then realize the new guy is there and she can't talk to me which i think sucks. when she does call my world feels complete. not that want her back but the fact that i know things are good and i can get the updates of whats going on. just saying she will always be important to my life. an amazing woman and mother. yesterday i counted my blessings. found out i am really blessed. i don't walk alone ever in this life. they say when a couple splits someone gets all the friends. i have to disagree because i thought she would get them all. yesterday showed me i have many that we share. so today i am happy. life is ok and move forward again. i hold my head up and look to the future with good friends. i am going to end here for now. huggles, Randy

saturday the 3rd

well i'm at an internet cafe in my one horse town. haven't seen anybody i really know yet but figure they're waiting till after i'm done with my mom. this has been hard for me. even harder to explain. where do i go from here. (in my life) do i want to take my time and just let it be. do i want to find someone and see if we can have something. this is never easy. i write this in hopes that if someone is interested in me they can get to know me. everyone should blog. never has writing so honest and open freed me. the burdens and stress are half of what they were before i started this. plus you get to know me, the real me. i hold nothing back. i am strong yet weak. i cry, so what, sometimes the pain of heartache is soooo great you just need to let it out. i am a protector, try to hurt someone i love or my kids. i know places where they will never find your body...just saying. not sure what i'm looking for not sure where this road is going. so i take one day at a time and hope and pray. it's all i have left. this emptiness inside is nothing i've felt before. i go forward still, for life is to short for pity parties. get busy living, or get busy dieing. huggles, Randy

friday and back in new york

just got caught up on Facebook and my ex had posted after she dropped me off at the airport. full circle, the end catches up with the beginning. she was right, about everything. my love of her grows more into a friendship as the days go by. she is an awesome woman. she has her faults but that's what makes her what she is. some days i wish i didn't have to deal with her anymore and be done with the pain. as i sit here and type i realize the pain defines me. it's making me what i am about to become. the changes and betterment of my life have defining moments. this is one of them. without her i don't know where i might be. if i had taken a different road 12 years ago. I am not sorry i chose this path, but i am sorry i did to her what i did. she should not have had to deal with what she did. i have my fair share of crap i put up with but not even close to what she endured. i sit here and look for closure. it eludes me, where do i start. i now know, just let it happen. it will come when it needs to. don't force it, don't look for it. I'm not worrying about. other things to deal with. the problems i think i may have will work out in time. the pain grows with the sadness. i realized too late what i had. it sucks and i don't want it to be like this. i will go on and live my life. be the best dad i can. love and a relationship are not in my future. I AM BROKEN. i do not know how to love a woman like she is supposed to be loved. i will turn my energy to other things. work and kids and doing that in an awesome way. so much stuff in my head don't know what to type anymore. the words are jumbled. head to full of thoughts. so i will end here. tomorrow i will try to add more. need time, lots of time. the love of my life has gone. i broke it. now it's time to mourn. till the next entry, huggles to you and your loved ones. Randy

WOW what a morning

what can i say, i'm an ass, a jerk, what? what would make you happy? I still can't do anything right in her eyes. i can be the perfect dad doing what dads do but it still wouldn't be good enough. why? because it's not what she wants me doing. i don't understand it. she come in and ask me to take shadow and brooklynn this afternoon to go feed the ducks. spend some time with them. you leave tomorrow. i tell her i still need to do shadow's science project with him and he will have to do his homework. i get whatever don't worry about it. WTF? what more do you want from me? you left me for another guy because i wasn't there for you. now you want me there because i stepped up and showing i can do it. i'm confused. then i go to the bathroom and as i'm walking back to my room she says something. didn't hear her thought she was talking to the other person. she comes to my door and says i said i was sorry with a big ole attitude like it was my fault. i said it's ok. she walks away and says something to the other person not sure what was said but sure it was on the lines of he's an ass or jerk i'm sure. doesn't matter it stuff like this that gets me. when he's not near us she's all friendly and we talk like brother and sister. it's really nice and i enjoy i our talks. when he's around i'm like a second rate citizen that shouldn't be talked to or talked down to. today is the first day i'm glad i'm going back to new york. they can have each other enjoy her bitching buddy because your getting all of it now.  it's her way all the way hang on and enjoy the ride. I play nice and try to get along with everyone to keep peace in the house. you would think they would see that and play nice to. no. not her she has to start stuff, not sure why but i don't let it get to me or if it does i write here so i don't say something i'll regret later. i know she can see and read this but to bad. this is MY PLACE TO BE FREE...........remember that. no one is making you come here and read it your doing it by choice and free will. if it does get read i'm sure i'll hear about. i care but i don't need to get this stuff out so it doesn't explode in my head. this blog has freed up so much of my stress. when i write it all goes away. i feel free and unchained. who knew right? so i will end this here and say have a great day. i'm sure i'll add more later because the day isn't over. huggles, Randy

tuesday feb 28th

well not sure what to type today. it has been a freeing day. i am happy kinda. knowing the things i now know and going back to new york. i will have closure. something i realized i needed. need to end this chapter in my life and start new. i am gonna do it as me. my way. my mistakes. lessons learned. changes being made. funny as it sounds i feel like the butterfly emerging from a cocoon. ready to fly and be free. so i end this here for now. as surprising as it may sound words escape me at the moment. emotions run high right now. i put my trust in god. pray for the best and move forward. huggles, Randy

another day goes by

my heart is heavy with sadness. I reflect back on life and ask why. why me god? why now. in his own special way he answers. the blowing of the wind the birds chirping. i walk and listen. the angels whisper to me. lessons needed to be learned. stop taking the ones you love for granted. don't ignore them. spend time with them. two woman in a row i took for granted. didn't pay them enough attention. lost in my own world. never again. the next woman that gets me and falls in love with me will have an awesome man. she will become my addiction. my love of a lifetime. when will she appear? i know not, and i worry not. i need to find me and my happy. i need closure. i need to reflect on my life and sort out my failures and improve myself. i need to just be me. a friend told me today (female) i may be broken but i'm a good man. anybody would be happy to have you. you stay at home when your not working. you don't do drugs. your not an alcoholic. you don't hit woman. you don't spend your pay check drinking with your buddies or blow it at strip clubs. you provided for your family and your always there when needed. so don't worry, fix you and all will be ok. she then said, you get stuck in your own world sometimes and forget what is going on around you. fix that and you will be a great man. so fix me i will. the journey is long but worth it. time to heal. i know not where i may end up but who cares. god has his plans for me i just need to go where he leads. so i end here tonight and say don't forget tell the ones you love that you do love them and show them. huggles Randy

father to son

happiness

7 lovely logics

getting ready

Well the day started OK, got up feeling yucky then the sadness hit. getting ready to go back to NY is tough.  I have a female friend in England that i talk to regularly. her name is Caron and she lives in  Lancashire ..its part of greater Manchester. She is a hoot and a really good friend. we talked for over an hour just sorting out my feelings and talking about music and life. it was good to get some of my feelings out in the open. i have so few people to talk about whats going on. she is a godsend. huggles to you Caron and your family thank you so much. some days i don't know what I'd do without you. you keep my head level and my thinking straight. i know angels exist because Caron is one sent to watch over me. i cry. i am crying now as i write this. the pain and sadness overwhelms me. I ask why is this happening to me? I put my trust in god for he set this path before me. a trial of faith? lessons to be learned? most likely and i try to learn and grow from it. not sure where my life is headed but it can only get better from here. I worry when i leave my family what might happen. i am fearful for i think some are in for a rude awakening. Maybe i am wrong and i hope i am. worry i still do. so it is with a heavy heart i start packing and get ready to go back to my birthplace. there is much unfinished business there. i need to get it done so i may leave it behind and be done with it. I need closure. i think i may find it there. i am hopeful i will. then i can move on in my life and find my happy. time to heal, time to reflect and time to just be me. here's hoping you all a great day. smile and hug the ones you love. Randy

winter again

well i fly out Thursday morning from Tampa to Rochester. early flight think it's like 7am. getting into Rochester around noon. have a lay over in dc. i hate winter and the cold now. that's why i moved to Florida. but stuff needs to be done and it will be good to get away from the ex. I'll miss my kids tons but i won't be gone long. need to get our stuff in storage and drive it down anyway. so taking out 2 birds with one stone so to speak. i am an emotional wreck. all i have been doing is crying. my dads passing 14 years ago was worse than this. she was my mom, gave me life and brought me up. i miss her now but i go to put her to rest. she had beat cancer but the lupus finally took her. she didn't suffer from what i was told so that is good. now onto the great unknown. this is uncharted territory for me. i am truly alone. my brothers will go there way as i go mine. we were never close so it doesn't bother me. well maybe a little but such is life. i will come back to Florida and start my new life. refreshed and alive. i am ready to start healing and living my life under my terms. maybe for the first time in my life i stand on my own. no one to lean on. i look forward to this journey even scared as i am. but isn't that what life is about. being scared but taking the leap anyway. so i leap and land where i might i look forward to the new beginning. night all and huggles to you. Randy

end of day

well it happened, my brother made it to new york. i got a flight out thursday so i'll be back in rochester on march 1st. probably be there 2 or 3 weeks depending on the weather. need to take care of mom's will and stuff. why can't it ever be easy. i guess then we wouldn't learn anything. every obstacle, every bump, every turn and every heartache/break we learn something. take something from it and leave something behind. life is funny that way blindsides you on a tuesday afternoon and leaves wondering what just happened. i've learned in my journey this far, never take anything for granted. for tomorrow it may be gone. love the one your with show them every day. don't get in a rut. if you do have someone help you out. getting bored and doing the same will kill a relationship. so grab the bull by the horns and enjoy the ride. huggles to all Randy

it's my fault

well it happened again. yes maybe it's just me. wait it is just me. the afternoon was going well and i guess i turned it into crap. with all the stress i am under with the death of my mom and family members suffering it hit me. i took out stress and fears turned it into anger. should have turned it into grief and tears. it is hard dealing with this. not sure what i'm to do. never had to deal with something like this and be half the country away. having nobody but my ex to talk to doesn't help either. since it's only been a little over a month since we split. i am worried about my niece kaykay and she and gradma were very close. my ex yells at me then fucking call. i have no phone number for them. never got one and and my ex sister in law has no love for me after what my brother did to her and now what happened between me and lourin. why would she ever give me her number. lourin has it, do you think she would ask if she could give it to me, no, just forward messages. so how the hell am i supposed to call. my other brother changed his number and decided not to pass it on to me. they never call anyway, like i'm a second rate citizen that doesn't matter. so now my ex is still taking care of me in a sense as she has to pass info along to me. we get bits and pieces of info as to whats happening. thats not the problem here actually. it's my inability to deal with the stress and anxiety that is a problem. i see this now. so fix it, i'm trying. not easy when i'm not sure what to do to begin with. so i wait to hear news if my brother got to new york from virginia and what is going to happen next. i cry and pray a lot. it's all i got. don't feel sorry for me. feel good that my journey is moving and i am learning from it. learn from me to as you read.  stay safe, warm and healthy with love and huggles to all. Randy

well as they say bad things come in three's, well they do. got the third one just now. can't say as some may read that don't know yet. sorry but just wanted to let everybody know what a crappy month this has been. march is looking better already. to all the well wishers i thank you. thank you for your prayers for your words and for just being there again i thank you. huggles, Randy

childhood

well good morning :) Happy Birthday Shadow, yeah your 9 today. here's hoping your day is great. The day is just starting not sure how it will turn out. we will see :) hope everyone has a great morning and I'll post more later huggles to all, Randy

just wanted to add something to see how  it will add it. have a great night peeps love you all, Randy

well i figured i start this as  I just wish to meet new people with like interests. I just got out of a 12 years marriage with the last 8 not so well. we knew where it was going and just stayed mainly for the kids. Then another man came into the picture, i was out. i am free now oh so free and ready to jump in with both feet. if a LTR happens then great. not looking so that is when it happens they say. anyway, just wanted to put in writing things going through my head. take a chance, have no regrets or what if's. I'm making up for lost time in a matter of speaking. so enjoy yourself and if you can't then enjoy somebody else   another day			Feb 22, 2012 3:38 pm
well hows it going? just here bored. got a couple of emails but nothing back. am i really that much of a loser? i didn't think so but such is life. i move on day to day and hope for the best. sent out a couple of my own emails and nothing back. guess people really are picky. that is good but what if you miss out on something good or great. take chances and always have an exit plan. really hoping to find love again . i am easy to talk to and will tell you anything you wish to know. so i go now for another day with hope in my heart and a smile on my face. Randy

thursday the 23 Feb 23, 2012 2:21 pm well did some shopping for my sons b day on the 25th. he will be 9 and i love him so much. planning on going to stilettos bar and grill on Friday. had a good time last week. the house band rocked. so i figure what the hey why not i need to get out and see what the rest of the world is doing. I'll shoot some darts and people watch. people are so interesting and in bar so much more. you can talk to anybody and they will talk back. Florida is so much different from up north. most bar and grills up there everybody keeps to themselves. some are friendly but most are not. i like it here. think i'm gonna stay. had an opportunity to go back but i am done with the winters. i'll take the heat i don't care. enjoy your day and have fun. Randy

bad day Feb 24, 2012 7:03 am well what can i say. got the call around 7pm that my mom passed. she had been suffering but not anymore. she is in a much better place. she was a tough person. beat cancer and stared death in the eye and said not till i'm ready. she had lupus which finally was her downfall. been battling that her whole life pretty much. then got an email from a couple that wanted me to join them on saturday. I was excited and happy but then realized it was my sons b day and had an all day planned with him and couldn't make it. i am twice bummed. now i'm waitng for the third cuz things always come in three's. i got one comment on my post yesterday and thank you for reading. yes today is the 24th and it is a day that will be in my head forever. not sure if i'm going out tonight but might for a couple hours and have a drink or two. i'll be very somber but the house band might rock like they always do and cheer me up some. so peeps try to have a great day and i'll blog tomorrow. be good to yourself, be good to others and stay safe. Randy

awesome Feb 24, 2012 3:36 pm well spent the day with my ex wife it was awesome. we talked about everything. found out we are better at being friends than lovers. it made my day, we talked about my mom passing and what and where we had lived. all our time together, where we went wrong and what we did right. things that couldn't or wouldn't be said when we were together. did things around the house and made dinner together as she asked me to stay for dinner so we could tell the kids about grandma. dinner is now cooking and just waiting. had to add this post so i didn't forget to put on here. more later, Randy

awesome continued Feb 24, 2012 11:15 pm well dinner was great. talked to the kids they took it ok. a little upset but knew grandma was sick and could at any go at anytime. my youngest had a multi school concert and it was fantastic. came home and relaxed and now typing this. life sometimes throws you twists and you take them as they come. sometimes it throws bumps and other times it hits you with a ton a bricks. i've had my share of hard knocks. sometimes just wanting to give up on life or hide in a cave and disappear. why don't i? i've learned many lessons on my journey and life is to short for pity parties. get busy living or get busy dieing. i like living and i try better everyday. for me, my kids and the people in my life. the next woman who gets me will have an awesome man. I want a woman i can be addicted to. who will be my whole world. i want to be her world. who can rely on me to be there like she needs and wants. this i have learned. my selfishness is over and i am ready. one day it will, like being blindsided on a tuesday afternoon. and i will scream it from the mountain tops. love seems to elude me but i have stopped looking, for only then will it happen. good night friends, stay safe with all my love to all, Randy