it's my fault

well it happened again. yes maybe it's just me. wait it is just me. the afternoon was going well and i guess i turned it into crap. with all the stress i am under with the death of my mom and family members suffering it hit me. i took out stress and fears turned it into anger. should have turned it into grief and tears. it is hard dealing with this. not sure what i'm to do. never had to deal with something like this and be half the country away. having nobody but my ex to talk to doesn't help either. since it's only been a little over a month since we split. i am worried about my niece kaykay and she and gradma were very close. my ex yells at me then fucking call. i have no phone number for them. never got one and and my ex sister in law has no love for me after what my brother did to her and now what happened between me and lourin. why would she ever give me her number. lourin has it, do you think she would ask if she could give it to me, no, just forward messages. so how the hell am i supposed to call. my other brother changed his number and decided not to pass it on to me. they never call anyway, like i'm a second rate citizen that doesn't matter. so now my ex is still taking care of me in a sense as she has to pass info along to me. we get bits and pieces of info as to whats happening. thats not the problem here actually. it's my inability to deal with the stress and anxiety that is a problem. i see this now. so fix it, i'm trying. not easy when i'm not sure what to do to begin with. so i wait to hear news if my brother got to new york from virginia and what is going to happen next. i cry and pray a lot. it's all i got. don't feel sorry for me. feel good that my journey is moving and i am learning from it. learn from me to as you read.  stay safe, warm and healthy with love and huggles to all. Randy