Monday, February 27, 2012
another day goes by
my heart is heavy with sadness. I reflect back on life and ask why. why
me god? why now. in his own special way he answers. the blowing of the
wind the birds chirping. i walk and listen. the angels whisper to me.
lessons needed to be learned. stop taking the ones you love for granted.
don't ignore them. spend time with them. two woman in a row i took for
granted. didn't pay them enough attention. lost in my own world. never
again. the next woman that gets me and falls in love with me will have
an awesome man. she will become my addiction. my love of a lifetime.
when will she appear? i know not, and i worry not. i need to find me and
my happy. i need closure. i need to reflect on my life and sort out my
failures and improve myself. i need to just be me. a friend told me
today (female) i may be broken but i'm a good man. anybody would be
happy to have you. you stay at home when your not working. you don't do
drugs. your not an alcoholic. you don't hit woman. you don't spend your
pay check drinking with your buddies or blow it at strip clubs. you
provided for your family and your always there when needed. so don't
worry, fix you and all will be ok. she then said, you get stuck in your
own world sometimes and forget what is going on around you. fix that and
you will be a great man. so fix me i will. the journey is long but
worth it. time to heal. i know not where i may end up but who cares. god
has his plans for me i just need to go where he leads. so i end here
tonight and say don't forget tell the ones you love that you do love
them and show them. huggles Randy
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ReplyDelete"and your always there when needed. so don't worry, fix you and all will be ok. she then said, you get stuck in your own world sometimes and forget what is going on around you. fix that and you will be a great man."
ReplyDelete~~~
I truly hate to intrude on this, but need to say something that I think is Important... It's not criticism, it's not me needing to just add two cents.. it's important and I pray you understand it. The quote copied and pasted from your friend's words to you are ALMOST all true!... almost.. The "always there when needed is the part that i address directly" and you can quote me here...
"YOU WERE/ARE ALWAYS GOOD IN A CRISIS!" But a healthy marriage or relationship of any kind can not survive one crisis at a time.
Work on you, you are changing, growing, evolving and finally emotionally maturing(not from a child like many may think, but as a man facing the world and his responsibilities to those around him) for the first time. Your friend also hit the nail on the head (and i know that's cause your finally aware and taking responsibility for your actions)"fix that and you'll be a great man" . I have tried for so many years to make you see that, but so much water, so much pain, so much fear and anxiety under our bridge.
For you, I want all the things that for years I told you, you were capable of... the things that you never believed. Things that you are now realizing.
For you, I want a healthy and strong relationship with OUR 3 children!
For you and I separately, I want a solid friendship, one built on the family that we continue to share, the friendship we started 12 years ago and the trust we can now share on a stress-less level.
For you, I want you to know that you will always be important, you will always matter and you will always be loved. I know it's over said, but while I am not In Love with you, we shared too much, too long for me to not admit that you will always have a place in my heart. We gave each other a son, and you never spoke of the two babies I had already had when we met, as anything other than your own.
Go Forward, walk slowly, look around, feel and smell the air, the gifts of each day. Don't race to not be alone,get to know you.. figure out who you are, who you want to be and what that means. Don't look for Mrs Right .... She doesn't exist yet, how can she... your not whole yet. You will get there. I didn't want to even come to this blog because you NEED a place to be free. You all but insisted. So here I am. I will as I always have, continue to look out for you. I hold no punches and will Always tell you how I see it. I will never willingly let harm come to you. It's the dynamic of what did keep us together. I will always look to protect you, and it will piss off some (oh well). It will probably hurt to watch you be what you were supposed to be to me and the kids, to someone else ... but damn straight, she better be worthy of it because mostly ... ... ... I will always be your friend. ~Lourin