Wednesday, February 29, 2012
WOW what a morning
what can i say, i'm an ass, a jerk, what? what would make you happy? I still can't do anything right in her eyes. i can be the perfect dad doing what dads do but it still wouldn't be good enough. why? because it's not what she wants me doing. i don't understand it. she come in and ask me to take shadow and brooklynn this afternoon to go feed the ducks. spend some time with them. you leave tomorrow. i tell her i still need to do shadow's science project with him and he will have to do his homework. i get whatever don't worry about it. WTF? what more do you want from me? you left me for another guy because i wasn't there for you. now you want me there because i stepped up and showing i can do it. i'm confused. then i go to the bathroom and as i'm walking back to my room she says something. didn't hear her thought she was talking to the other person. she comes to my door and says i said i was sorry with a big ole attitude like it was my fault. i said it's ok. she walks away and says something to the other person not sure what was said but sure it was on the lines of he's an ass or jerk i'm sure. doesn't matter it stuff like this that gets me. when he's not near us she's all friendly and we talk like brother and sister. it's really nice and i enjoy i our talks. when he's around i'm like a second rate citizen that shouldn't be talked to or talked down to. today is the first day i'm glad i'm going back to new york. they can have each other enjoy her bitching buddy because your getting all of it now. it's her way all the way hang on and enjoy the ride. I play nice and try to get along with everyone to keep peace in the house. you would think they would see that and play nice to. no. not her she has to start stuff, not sure why but i don't let it get to me or if it does i write here so i don't say something i'll regret later. i know she can see and read this but to bad. this is MY PLACE TO BE FREE...........remember that. no one is making you come here and read it your doing it by choice and free will. if it does get read i'm sure i'll hear about. i care but i don't need to get this stuff out so it doesn't explode in my head. this blog has freed up so much of my stress. when i write it all goes away. i feel free and unchained. who knew right? so i will end this here and say have a great day. i'm sure i'll add more later because the day isn't over. huggles, Randy
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
tuesday feb 28th
well not sure what to type today. it has been a freeing day. i am happy kinda. knowing the things i now know and going back to new york. i will have closure. something i realized i needed. need to end this chapter in my life and start new. i am gonna do it as me. my way. my mistakes. lessons learned. changes being made. funny as it sounds i feel like the butterfly emerging from a cocoon. ready to fly and be free. so i end this here for now. as surprising as it may sound words escape me at the moment. emotions run high right now. i put my trust in god. pray for the best and move forward. huggles, Randy
Monday, February 27, 2012
another day goes by
my heart is heavy with sadness. I reflect back on life and ask why. why
me god? why now. in his own special way he answers. the blowing of the
wind the birds chirping. i walk and listen. the angels whisper to me.
lessons needed to be learned. stop taking the ones you love for granted.
don't ignore them. spend time with them. two woman in a row i took for
granted. didn't pay them enough attention. lost in my own world. never
again. the next woman that gets me and falls in love with me will have
an awesome man. she will become my addiction. my love of a lifetime.
when will she appear? i know not, and i worry not. i need to find me and
my happy. i need closure. i need to reflect on my life and sort out my
failures and improve myself. i need to just be me. a friend told me
today (female) i may be broken but i'm a good man. anybody would be
happy to have you. you stay at home when your not working. you don't do
drugs. your not an alcoholic. you don't hit woman. you don't spend your
pay check drinking with your buddies or blow it at strip clubs. you
provided for your family and your always there when needed. so don't
worry, fix you and all will be ok. she then said, you get stuck in your
own world sometimes and forget what is going on around you. fix that and
you will be a great man. so fix me i will. the journey is long but
worth it. time to heal. i know not where i may end up but who cares. god
has his plans for me i just need to go where he leads. so i end here
tonight and say don't forget tell the ones you love that you do love
them and show them. huggles Randy
getting ready
Well the day started OK, got up feeling yucky then the sadness hit. getting ready to go back to NY is tough. I have a female friend in England that i talk to regularly. her name is Caron and she lives in Lancashire ..its part of greater Manchester. She is a hoot and a really good friend. we talked for over an hour just sorting out my feelings and talking about music and life. it was good to get some of my feelings out in the open. i have so few people to talk about whats going on. she is a godsend. huggles to you Caron and your family thank you so much. some days i don't know what I'd do without you. you keep my head level and my thinking straight. i know angels exist because Caron is one sent to watch over me. i cry. i am crying now as i write this. the pain and sadness overwhelms me. I ask why is this happening to me? I put my trust in god for he set this path before me. a trial of faith? lessons to be learned? most likely and i try to learn and grow from it. not sure where my life is headed but it can only get better from here. I worry when i leave my family what might happen. i am fearful for i think some are in for a rude awakening. Maybe i am wrong and i hope i am. worry i still do. so it is with a heavy heart i start packing and get ready to go back to my birthplace. there is much unfinished business there. i need to get it done so i may leave it behind and be done with it. I need closure. i think i may find it there. i am hopeful i will. then i can move on in my life and find my happy. time to heal, time to reflect and time to just be me. here's hoping you all a great day. smile and hug the ones you love. Randy
Sunday, February 26, 2012
winter again
well i fly out Thursday morning from Tampa to Rochester. early flight think it's like 7am. getting into Rochester around noon. have a lay over in dc. i hate winter and the cold now. that's why i moved to Florida. but stuff needs to be done and it will be good to get away from the ex. I'll miss my kids tons but i won't be gone long. need to get our stuff in storage and drive it down anyway. so taking out 2 birds with one stone so to speak. i am an emotional wreck. all i have been doing is crying. my dads passing 14 years ago was worse than this. she was my mom, gave me life and brought me up. i miss her now but i go to put her to rest. she had beat cancer but the lupus finally took her. she didn't suffer from what i was told so that is good. now onto the great unknown. this is uncharted territory for me. i am truly alone. my brothers will go there way as i go mine. we were never close so it doesn't bother me. well maybe a little but such is life. i will come back to Florida and start my new life. refreshed and alive. i am ready to start healing and living my life under my terms. maybe for the first time in my life i stand on my own. no one to lean on. i look forward to this journey even scared as i am. but isn't that what life is about. being scared but taking the leap anyway. so i leap and land where i might i look forward to the new beginning. night all and huggles to you. Randy
Saturday, February 25, 2012
end of day
well it happened, my brother made it to new york. i got a flight out thursday so i'll be back in rochester on march 1st. probably be there 2 or 3 weeks depending on the weather. need to take care of mom's will and stuff. why can't it ever be easy. i guess then we wouldn't learn anything. every obstacle, every bump, every turn and every heartache/break we learn something. take something from it and leave something behind. life is funny that way blindsides you on a tuesday afternoon and leaves wondering what just happened. i've learned in my journey this far, never take anything for granted. for tomorrow it may be gone. love the one your with show them every day. don't get in a rut. if you do have someone help you out. getting bored and doing the same will kill a relationship. so grab the bull by the horns and enjoy the ride. huggles to all Randy
it's my fault
well it happened again. yes maybe it's just me. wait it is just me. the afternoon was going well and i guess i turned it into crap. with all the stress i am under with the death of my mom and family members suffering it hit me. i took out stress and fears turned it into anger. should have turned it into grief and tears. it is hard dealing with this. not sure what i'm to do. never had to deal with something like this and be half the country away. having nobody but my ex to talk to doesn't help either. since it's only been a little over a month since we split. i am worried about my niece kaykay and she and gradma were very close. my ex yells at me then fucking call. i have no phone number for them. never got one and and my ex sister in law has no love for me after what my brother did to her and now what happened between me and lourin. why would she ever give me her number. lourin has it, do you think she would ask if she could give it to me, no, just forward messages. so how the hell am i supposed to call. my other brother changed his number and decided not to pass it on to me. they never call anyway, like i'm a second rate citizen that doesn't matter. so now my ex is still taking care of me in a sense as she has to pass info along to me. we get bits and pieces of info as to whats happening. thats not the problem here actually. it's my inability to deal with the stress and anxiety that is a problem. i see this now. so fix it, i'm trying. not easy when i'm not sure what to do to begin with. so i wait to hear news if my brother got to new york from virginia and what is going to happen next. i cry and pray a lot. it's all i got. don't feel sorry for me. feel good that my journey is moving and i am learning from it. learn from me to as you read. stay safe, warm and healthy with love and huggles to all. Randy
well as they say bad things come in three's, well they do. got the third one just now. can't say as some may read that don't know yet. sorry but just wanted to let everybody know what a crappy month this has been. march is looking better already. to all the well wishers i thank you. thank you for your prayers for your words and for just being there again i thank you. huggles, Randy
Friday, February 24, 2012
well i figured i start this as I just wish
to meet new people with like interests. I just got out of a 12 years
marriage with the last 8 not so well. we knew where it was going and
just stayed mainly for the kids. Then another man came into
the picture, i was out. i am free now oh so free and ready to jump in
with both feet. if a LTR happens then great. not looking so that is when
it happens they say. anyway, just wanted to put in writing things going
through my head. take a chance, have no regrets or what if's. I'm
making up for lost time in a matter of speaking. so enjoy yourself and
if you can't then enjoy somebody else  another day
| Feb 22, 2012 3:38 pm | ||||
| well hows it going? just here bored. got a couple of emails but nothing back. am i really that much of a loser? i didn't think so but such is life. i move on day to day and hope for the best. sent out a couple of my own emails and nothing back. guess people really are picky. that is good but what if you miss out on something good or great. take chances and always have an exit plan. really hoping to find love again . i am easy to talk to and will tell you anything you wish to know. so i go now for another day with hope in my heart and a smile on my face. Randy | |||||
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