moon and stars

do you look at the moon and stars?
do you ever think, are they looking to?
Do you see the beauty in it?
Then dream a little dream of me :)

30 june 2012 late night

I feel the need to write, why who knows, but my ex is a wonderful person. maybe not to me but she is. a saint in human form. why do i say this? because she pretty much raised her brother and sister by herself growing up. she had a rough childhood. I know things most people don't and i will never take that away from her. she deserves kudos for what she has done. She has done great things. putting up with my shit for 12 years. LOL But other great things and she was trying to make it in this crazy world and doing the best she could. I will always love her for that. Thank you for the time I had with you. It was a pleasure and an honor.
My daughter is the most wonderful. She has been through soooo much and still manages to go on. sometimes i wonder how she does it. I draw my strength from her. won't go into what she has gone through here but her and i know. i'm proud of her and everything will work out.
My sons, jt and shadow. JT you have been an inspiration to me. how you have dealt with this and handled it is out of this world. like a true jedi, you make me proud. Please keep it up and never forget i love you.
Shadow, you are the greatest gift the world has given me. I have and always will be your biggest fan. I will try to teach you from afar and guide you on your journey. please understand this. I know it's hard being so far away. I love you with all that i am. I only want the best for you. I try everyday to better myself. I try not to dwell on the past. I look to a brighter future for me and you.
I have opportunities and hope they work out.
Lourin please have some faith in me. I do what i do to make a better future for us all. If moving out west is in the cards then you have to let me go. it's not over some woman or some fancy, it's an opportunity to change my life for the better. understand that pheonix, az is the new silicon valley. It's where i belong i believe. I don't know, haven't a clue. I pray and hope this is where i'm supposed to be. I don't question the universe. I follow the doors that open to me. please understand this.   ok thats all i got. cried enough over this. huggles

30 june 2012 evening

what is my life? how is it defined? a roller coaster ride of emotions today. happiness, sadness, love , hate, joy,disappointment, longing and wanting to just disappear.
why can't I?
that's the most pressing question on my mind.
why shouldn't I?
why is not about me, not that self centered but why are others? why is it about them and meddling? they are just words, i throw them out there and you give them meaning. I don't don't try to be hurtful just my thoughts. an insight into who i am and what i'm becoming. growing, learning. I'll never be able to please anybody, so i please myself. remember that please. huggles

30 june 2012

words do hurt and sometimes we forget that. every action has a reaction. never really thought about the things i write here and how they might affect others. my words hurt. i hurt still but need to realize that others are hurting to. time to be real and stop being a douche. life has taken another turn and changes are happening. huggles

thoughts

"I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said."

29 june 2012 120am

thunderstorm here :) i walked in the grass barefoot and danced in the rain naked :) feeling free and awesome. i so love thunderstorms :) glad i am free to do what i wish and what i want when i want to. freedom oh sweet freedom. huggles

28 june 2012 afternoon

ok it's been an awesome day :) i'm at a cross roads in my life. thinking of standing in the middle and burying the things needed to call crowley and make a deal. not really but sometimes it seems it would be easier. and if your wondering, it's a reference to the tv show supernatural. anyway not sure what to do. i know i'm moving but not sure where. it will be out west. looking into jobs and i guess whatever one i get will determine where i go. why move? i've done what i needed here and it's time for me. i needed to heal and find my purpose and i've done that. i'm over her totally and have moved on. really want nothing to do with her anymore. she can live her life. i'm living mine. don't have anymore time to dwell on the past. the future is fast approaching and i need to make my place before it's too late. huggles

28 june 2012

what a beautiful night :) it's in the low 60's and i can see all the stars. it's so beautiful. it put's life in a new place. i've forgotten my place and now i know. life is great and the universe is right again.

26 june 2012

mornings are the worst. the mind seems undefended,easy prey for both memories and imagination. what happened, what should've happened, what might happen someday. your fault. my fault. no one's fault. the only way to relieve the torment is to get up, empty the bladder, drink the coffee, read the paper, run the treadmill, perform the animal sacrifice, paint the blood on the groin and call upon the demonic spirits to bring you back.

Nights are bad too. once again, exhaustion makes the mind vulnerable to obsessing over woulda, coulda, shoulda. the only thing to do is sit alone and eat the chicken which was senselessly murdered in the morning.

                                                                                             chuck lorre

25 june 2012

ok they have hurricane debby and are flooded. went to hotel and left cats behind. nice really nice whatever. and  keep those kids safe.
well my life is awesome :) got some info and may be moving to another state :) looking into it and finding opportunities are every where. if this rgh doesn't work then i'm moving. i have a great lead and i'm taking it. things are looking up and i'm awesome. so glad i let her go. she made her bed now she can sleep in it. i've moved on and actually met a girl from new port richey living in sodus. we hit it off and are seeing each other as friends for now. i enjoy her company and she enjoy's mine. who would have thought. things would work out that way. life moves that way and karma is a real bitch enjoy huggles

21 june 2012

Well i'm doing ok i guess. haven't talked to the ex in awhile and it's strange. after 12 years and talking everyday and then nothing, it's leaves you a bit empty. i'm coping the best i can. it will get better in time.
school is becoming a pain. now they want us to put a video and mp3 on our web page. i understand we need to do this but i think it's, well ok we need to learn to do it. anyway it's tough as this css style sheet stuff has a learning curve. but i'll be damned if i can figure it out. oh i will i hope. just need to find the line of code that let my borders on the pictures show up.
not sure if i should say anything but was looking at flights today. planning a vacation to new mexico in sept or oct. just need to get away and have friends out there i can stay with. from there i can see all the attractions. would like to see the grand canyon but not sure if i'll make it there. anyway not even sure if i can. money is running out and no jobs around here. hoping martha finds out something and i can get the internship. if not i may go to best buy and see about working there. something will happen i just know it. god has put me on my path and is opening doors. i just need to recognize them and take them. i know i'll catch hell for not planning a vacation with my kids but sometimes things happen for a reason. why did i get invited to NM? is there something there? i don't have the answers i only go to what doors open. it's all i can do. i pray for guidance and hope my decisions are good and sound. huggles

17 june 2012

so i put myself out there, let him move in and was a friend. we talked yes it was strained but we talked. i know she's upset with herself and me but planning a day with his daughter and my kids. really.  only 5 months together and your going to take it all away. fine, your lies will catch with you and your deception. you say you care, right, remember like you always said actions speak louder than words. whatever, hope you have a great day and dismiss me as always. it's about what you want and what makes you happy. whatever.

Anyways had a good day and following my heart. my head says other things but don't care. i've always liked/loved this woman and now i have the chance i'm taking it. she feels the same and has asked me to wait. i will do that. i'm not going anywhere for now. i'll let her figure out what she wants and go from there.

On a brighter note martha lightfoot came in to get some wine. asked me how i was doing and was wondering why i was back. told her what had happened and that i'm going to college. she then said that RGH is always looking for intern IT techs. asked if i would be interested. well hell yeah, sign me up. so she is going to find out and let me know. i couldn't ask for anything better, wow life just keeps getting better everyday. i've been crying and smiling since i got home. sad and happy but thats life. it's like a roller coaster, either scream or enjoy the ride. (i love roller coasters btw) huggles

june 16 2012

well it's been a busy week for me. took time off this morning and went to the lake. went down to the end of west port bay road. sat and just listened to the waves. got my head together and my soul. that was what i needed. never thought i would say this but i am glad to be home. i am so drawn to the lake and the woods. don't know why but i feel right really right. anyhoot come back home and worked more on my homework. it's going good. shadow called and he got in trouble. nothing big just talking back and attitude. had a good talk with him and skyped with him later on. it was a joy to see him. i miss my little man soooo much. well kk was here and he got to see her and talk to her. do you think my ex could have popped on and said hi to kk. nope didn't want to see me or talk. thats good cuz i really don't want to see or talk to her either. i'm ready to leave all of that behind and have pretty much. i've moved on after all the crap thats been going on. don't want it, don't need it. she wants drama she can have it, i want no part of it. i have enough of my crap to deal with. started another class so now my time is gone. need to concentrate on school. i feel bad for her and what she's going through but have my own stuff. wish her the best of luck and much happiness. school awile back sent me an email asking if i wanted to take eng125 test. if i passed i wouldn't have to take the class. well i signed up for it and just heard back today. i can schedule the test when i'm ready in the next 2 weeks. i have monday and tuesday off so i'm thinking either this tuesday or next. i'm excited. things are finally going my way and looking up. positive attitude and smiling really do help. huggles.

june 14 2012

well there comes a time when drama needs to go. i'm trying to move on but she isn't and doesn't want me to. says she does but still holds on. i don't understand it. not trying to anymore. i just want peace and happiness between us. trying to give her that but she doesn't see it.

Well yesterday was a great/bad day. why both? it was a beautiful day. sunshine in the 70's a slight breeze just nice. had friends come out of the woodwork to talk to me. had people i hadn't talk to in years message me or call me to make sure everything was ok. i am truely blessed. never would have dreamed it. Didn't get to talk to my son. i think thats the first time that i wanted to talk to him but didn't. no fault of my own but still. no matter whats going on he is still my son and i'm still part of his life and always will be. then i went to work and had people asking me about her and us. just reminders there all the time. makes it tough to move on but nice in a way to remember the good and not dwell on the bad. this is tough time for me as i try to wrap my head around it all. pray and hope for the best.

well school is going ok. this weeks homework was tough. love the css style sheet but having a tough time figuring out where things need to go. lots of reading and web classes. i'll get it just need to put more time and effort. when the project is done it will be good and the store will have a great web site.
well back to web class, huggles

june 6 2012

Well everything has been well. Class is going good. this css style sheet has me...wow...need to learn a lot more. got the jist of it but still trying to figure out the whole thing. been talking to the ex, it's ok but somethings not right. don't know what it is. we get talking and everything is good then it's like she realizes who she's actually talking to and clams up. can only hope it gets easier with time. I mean her no ill will or harm. just a friendship that can be stronger than any she has ever had. don't think she gets that or is afraid of it. I'm here doing my thing she is there doing hers. it's strange to say the lest but i'm ok.

Ok been at the store almost month now. things are good. this girl keeps coming in and harassing me. well come to find out it's flirting. she likes me but doesn't know me so she busts on me. Cindy that works here knows her. told me that she likes me. i am not ready. i have nothing to give anybody. what i mean is emotional and monetary. would like to ask her out which i might do but will let her know where i am in life and see what she wants to do. really not ready, don't know if i ever will be. never thought i'd be here in my life. just want to crawl into a hole and hide away forever. i fight that everyday, stand tall and smile i tell myself. he has a plan for you. everything will work out in time. patience, so i wait. huggles 

june 5 2012

well had a lazy stay inside day yesterday. watch some how i met your mother episodes. played around with my class project. but did much of nothing. the night before hung out with friends till about 3am. was tired and beat but worth it. good friends and good times.
got called or asked to work today. didn't really have any plans but hanging with jimmy and sarah. called them and they were calling me, too funny. let them know i was working and they said that was fine stop after work. i will. who knows who will stop by. i've seen people i haven't seen in years. it's good to know some things really don't change. good friends hanging out and having fun. Life has put me where i need to be. It will all work out and be what it is. not sure but i'm having a good time and enjoying life. maybe this is it, the end all to be all. Right back where i started and maybe end. If it ends i can say i had a great time. woohoo. no regrets, well only one but i'm working on fixing that or figuring it out. huggles

june 3 2012 afternoon

I have loved, but didn't know how to.
I have lost, but didn't know.
I have been found, but didn't know.

I was loved, and knew it.
I was lost, but i was found.
I was found, but got lost.

I had it all, but threw it away.
I live in an empty shell, but full of regret.
I lost it all. only to go looking for something not there.

I am lost. I am forgotten.
I am unloved, I am empty.
I look at that moon, are looking to?
Thinking once what was, but now is gone.
Memories is all, fading, drifting, lost.

june 3 2012

ok so it doesn't get easier. didn't talk to her yesterday and it hurt. I understand what's going on but i thought you were my friend or trying to be. not asking much or am I? I guess it doesn't matter, let it go and live my life. it's just hard trying to take someone out of your heart. time.......

well shadow gave me a quick call just now and that made my day. I try not to cry but i miss him so much. he is doing good and has some friends he plays with. I remember that growing up. friendships made now will last a lifetime.

Went and saw Snow White and the Huntsman last night with Lynn, KK and Sarah. It was awesome. They took some liberties but it true to the grimm fairy tale. It blew me away. made me cry at some parts. the director really pulls you in. afterwards went over to sarah and jimmy's and hung out. Had a great time. Jimmy said it, with old friends you just pick up where you left off. Can't thank them enough for being there. they are making a tough time easier. huggles

june 2nd 2012

ok it's been a month (almost) since i left florida. things are way different. don't care anymore. following my dream. doing what i want. no matter i slow i go i'm still lapping those on the couch. life is full of possibilities and i'm taking them all. burning bridges and leaving people behind. either be in my life or get out. i will not be used or there when it's convenient for you. for whoever wants me in their life i will always be there, whenever and however you need. have a few peeps i talk to everyday now. either texting or calling or visiting. i'm learning to have a friend you first must be a friend. doing that and more. because if i have your back i want you to have mine. i feel so empowered it's incredible. Learning and knowing stuff i knew along but waited for peeps to show their true colors.
School is going ok. I have a chat session here in about 20 mins. going to learn something new. i am psyched. never thought life would bring here but it has and i'm making the most of it. struggling but it will make me stronger and a better person. ok need to get stuff done. huggles

june 1st 2012

ok this rocks! learning new web design stuff and it rocks! i knew this stuff but didn't know what it was called. now i do. it's css and i never imagined what i could with it. knew the basics but oh there is so much more. what is css? it's a style for web design. you can put borders around all the pictures with one line of code. make the first letter of every sentence bold make a link a different color when it's been clicked. it's so cool. well to me anyway.
Rainy day here so went to sodus and got Chinese  at my fav spot. fried dumplins and boneless bbq spare ribs, yum. ok back to the books. need to write a 600 or more word paper on good vs. bad web design. then to work more on my web page project. oh got an email from the school asking if like to test out of eng 125. they asked if i thought i was good with english composition i could test out and that would let me pass the class. if i failed it wouldn't be held against me i would just have to take the class. gonna try it. what the heck, nothing ventured, nothing gained. huggles