17 august 2012

Things are going, not sure where but i just follow the path put before me. Had an interview today, all went well and i am hopeful. College is progressing and well it's school. Want to say a lot more here but some feel the need to censor me so i put in a word document and save for later. when i write my book it will go in so i don't forget. I am well as can be for being stuck in new york. summer is fading fast and winter will be here before you know it. what can i do? deal with it and live my life i guess. so good day to all and enjoy :) huggles

7 august 2012

why do i cry? is it for the loss? is it for love? no, it's for being forgotten. left behind to live my own life. it sucks but hey i move forward and try to forget. but i can't forget. i can't let go. my love, my be all, end all gave up on me. didn't try to break down the wall. i cry for the kids, i cry for what could have been. i cry for what should have been. another birthday gone by, hers, and i feel it. the loss and the hurt of not being there when i should have been. it all comes crashing down on me. crushing me and suffocating. why? i take the blame. i own up to my failure. still the pain rips through me like a sword on a warm summers day.spilling my blood on the field. i lay bleeding and defenseless. i beg to my god to take me, no answer. go figure!!! am i forced to suffer?  what am i to do? i play nice and don't stir trouble. only to get shit thrown back at me. why? what is the end result? i do not know? i live my life and try to forget. some days are better then others. maybe, just maybe the disease will take me. leave me to wither away to nothing. i can only hope and death take me, quickly. but that is not the case. i suffer everyday and bear the pain. so be it life bring it, i'll take it and make me stronger. i will not be beaten down. i will get back up and go forward. as long as there is a breath in me i will continue to fight. bring it, try me all you will. i won't back down.

1 august 2012

the last 3 days have been something else. i've never cried this much. i've cried tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears of pain and tears of anger. then i've cried just to cry. they say tears are feelings the heart can't hold anymore and i believe that. my life has come full circle and then some. i really have no idea where i am or where i'm going. I'm just going with it and letting the chips fall where they may. i have some terrific friends and some new/old ones :) Life is good but something is missing. i still feel empty inside. don't know if that feeling will ever go away. in a way i hope it doesn't. the pain defines me, makes me who i am. the sadness reminds me of who i used to be. I strive everyday to be a better person. I try to make someone else's life better or at least put a smile on their face.it's the least i can do for all i've been given. i'm thankful for that everyday. huggles

23 july 2012

ok so it's the end of my bday and a great day it was :) having an awesome thunderstorm right now. what a way to top off my day :) worked this am and then and went to spend time with my daughter. my mary got me a cake (thank you soooo much) and shared it with friends. hung out and had dinner. it was delicious. spaghetti and meatballs :) brooklynn and i hung out and goofed and tweeted. then they did dance3 on the wii. had a fun day. talked to shadow and he's in good spirits but i miss him terribly. the ex called and was excellent and i got to talk to jt. she talked to me some more and was sad. this is the first time in 12 years were not together for bdays and such and yes it hurts. she always liked to make bdays a big deal and i'm glad she did. i miss it too. only hope from here on out we can be better friends and enjoy these things more even tho we are apart. i only wish happiness and great things for all. huggles

16 july 2012

Oh wow how time flies. school is really busy and so is work. spending time with brooklynn has been great. she spent a couple nights in a row and had fun. she went to work with me today and then we went to see dark shadows with johnny depp. went with Michaela, breeanna and collette. the movie was ok glad we went to the 2 dollar movie theater. had fun and laughed and joked up there and back. really glad to see the 3 girls together. haven't seen them like that since they were like 6 or 7. how they have grown. damn i'm getting old but it's all good. my life is going where i want it to and i'm enjoying. who would have thought i'd end here and doing what i'm doing. i don't question it, i just go with the flow and happy that i have good friends to hang with. Love you all for everything. Big huggles to Tammy and collette for always pushing me to do my school work. you have no idea how much that means to me. huggles

11 july 2012

what a great night, my day was kinda crappy but brooklynn decided to spend the night and we are having fun :) Uncle Lynn is playing some jamms and brooklynn is singing away. Lynn is amazed at how good she is. I gave him some suggestions of what to play to make her sing and he did. I am so glad my baby girl is here. I have missed her sooooo much. to spend time with her is a gift and i am grateful beyond anything. I really don't deserve this but thank the forces that be for the it. huggles

july 10 2012

some days are harder than others.
today is one of those days.
my memories haunt me.
feelings linger.
hurt and disappointment.
happiness eludes me today.
I am strong and will be well.
Time has a way of showing the way.
missing
longing
wanting