26 march 2012

you know what? I don't care anymore. Live your life the way you see fit. i'm living mine. you want to be friends then act like it and be an adult, not like some little kid on the playground. grow up and deal, i am. i've made mistakes, you've made mistakes it's called life. we learn from it and apply it and move on. There is no need for drama unless you want that. i had my blow out and i'm done. feel better now and soon i'll be gone. what then? actually don't care. i've put my faith where it needs to be. I trust and hope you will do the same. all will be ok if you let it. i try to tell you  things i see from a friend looking outside looking in. take it any way you wish. don't want to fight or argue but we will. both of us stubborn that way. we will make it through this and be good friends. Time and smiles and talk, good talk will make it work. i tried to make you happy and give you what you want but it's never good enough is it? you complain about me. all or nothing, well aren't you doing the same? wanting it all or nothing. i know it's been a roller coaster ride for you too. it will all be ok. I AM OUT OF YOUR LIFE, DONE. i get it. now lets work on being friends. that is all i ever wanted.  I am soooo happy for the both of you. you don't seem to get that. I finally get to see you happy. I know then i turn around and make it crap. well you do, because you make a big deal out of nothing. told exactly what happened and was trying to show my happiness. could you accept that? no, you had to get all mad and think something else was going and read into it what wasn't there. no motive, no agenda. wasn't going to say nothing but thought hey i'll show my happiness. that was all. hope you get married and have babies and all the happy wonderful stuff. wish you the best, really. I've gotten to my place where i am comfortable with it. I got a little freaked at the thought of being on my own. then they were sent to me, the people in my life to help on my path. that would be you Lourin and ken too. Irene and russell. colin helped also and i'm sure there will be others. your looking at the little picture. step back and look at the bigger picture. maybe you will see it. i sure hope so for everybody's sake. i just want what is best for all of us. i want to be friends. i would like all of us the get along and be able to spend time together. that is all. i wish to move onto the next phase of my life and know all of us are good and happy. i have changed and will keep changing. said some things i wish i hadn't but anger and frustration get in the way and i'm sorry. all will be good soon just hope you can find it in you to forgive. i know i have.
huggles, Randy

sun march 25

well what a weekend. went to the chasco festival yesterday and got lots of beads tons of hot women walking around half naked. damn i love florida. still having my own issues tho. i'm scared to be on my own. need to find work and an apartment. haven't been on my own in a very long time and it scares me. i'm so used to being with the same people. waking to them, cooking for them, cleaning doing laundry and such. when i move out it will be just me. maybe it will be a good thing. i hope so but still scared. so i'm looking at a couple places, and thinking of maybe getting a roommate or moving in with someone. not sure what i want. i want to be on my own but don't know if i can afford it. damn rent down here is expensive. sorry up north we had a 2 bedroom one bath for 450 plus utilities. and a 2 story 4 bedroom 2 bath house for 650 plus utilities. i found a nice apartment 2 bedrooms 1 bath for 550 a month plus utilities. around the corner from where i am now. not sure what utilities cost a month so i'm worried. i can do the rent but the other may break me. looking at my options and trying to figure out what to do. they are a few older peeps that rent rooms in there house by weekly rent. anywhere from 100 to 175. some with utilities some without where i need to pay half. looking into that to. life is ever changing. this is one change i wasn't ready for but learned from my mistake and moving forward and won't ever take woman for granted or neglect them again. the sadness is there for losing love always hurts but my happiness is returning knowing she has found her new love and they are truely happy together. we have become great friends. we are better at that then being lovers or a couple. now for me to find my happiness. maybe it's being alone, maybe it's the girl around the corner or maybe it's someone on here who i haven't meet yet. i am very hopeful for the future for i know if i stay positive good things will happen. so for now i say have a great day. huggles, Randy

thursday march 15

ok sorry folks, i know it's almost been a week. been busy taking care of mom business and packing stuff and going through stuff and such. got everything done and packed. loaded the truck and drove back to florida. got here and was missed by all. it was a great feeling. i missed everyone just as much. now we need to get the garage ready and the truck unpacked. lots more to do i pray for the strength to do it. my new journey begins. full circle i have come. where i go i haven't a clue. not worried for it's the journey not the destination that matters. so far it's been good. so for now i will say good night. huggles, Randy

friday march 9th

Well what can i say. why do i keep trying to please her, we left each other and she found someone new who makes her happy. does she want to keep me miserable? I added a friend on facebook she does not like. i did it to get insight into my past. now she is so upset over it she wants to unfriend me. but it's ok for her to have the friends i don't like. i never said anything, she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions. always her way i guess. it has me sad now that she even cares. i know she cares for me but we are done aren't we? so why can't i be friends with who i want. how did you find out i put her back on? and why does it matter to you? i guess i have alot more to learn because i don't get it. i'm trying to fix me and be a better person. i don't know anymore, confusion abounds. i care for her deeply still and will do what she asks. i've hurt her to many times to do that anymore. i guess i see her point now. i pray for guidance and help. it comes in strange manners but i see the signs. so with this i do what needs to done and asked of me. well i'll stop here my thoughts all jumbled need to think. till later, huggles, Randy

thursday march 8

well i'm at the internet cafe and feeling helpless. my ex needed my help on something and i helped. she has to work over and is feeling depressed and sad. i want to take away her sadness but she's not mine anymore. i'm troubled by this because i know her and i know what would cheer her up some. but i am here in ny and she is in florida so i still wouldn't be able to do anything. helpless and mad. i don't like seeing her like this. I pray for her. it's all i can do. so i go about doing my stuff but worry still. i try to put it out of my mind but it creeps back in. i tell myself why do you do this? she isn't your concern, leyt it go. i can't, 12 years is still 12 years and the caring i just can't put away. never will i don't think. so worry i do but i try to be her friend and let her bend my ear if she needs. she has been there for me, it's the least i can do. just needed to get that out. i feel a little better now. huggles, Randy

tuesday march 6th

Well here i am at mcdonalds again eating lunch with my terrific brother chris. i just realize how much i miss him. Today is full of emotion, going through moms stuff and sorting and stacking. memories everywhere. My thoughts turn to my ex, how is she, i read on facebook she isn't feeling well. i'm concerned. i still care about her. still have love for her. I try to tell myself we are done but it doesn't feel like it. i do know we are done i just don't want it to be done. Time will help and i am ok not losing my mind or hanging onto something thats not there. just getting the thoughts out my head. i hold hope for us cuz thats all i have right now. when i get my own apartment and start working that will go away.  i know this, need to heal. i worry when i do find someone. how will she hurt? how will she feel? i care so i worry. like i said when i started, full of emotion and regrets. why didn't i do this or that. if your reading this and trying to learn something, remember this one thing, never doubt yourself. push those doubts out and do the first thing you were gonna do. i don't know how many times i wanted to just take her and do her right there through the years. we would be cleaning or moving furniture and thought, i should just take her right now. then the doubt was there. what if she says what are doing? are you crazy? or yell and say not now we are busy. don't let it stop you, that first impulse, do it, take it. if you get stopped so be it. take the chance, nothing ventured, nothing gained. that is my new motto. thats how i'm living my life now. just gonna do it. if i get shot down, so be it. learn from it and move on. ok need to go now. huggles, Randy

monday march 5th

Well just like yesterday only worse, i awoke to snow. more today than yesterday and it's still coming down. we have at least a foot of fluffy snow. i knew this was going to happen. story of my life. sometimes i wonder, am i supposed be in new york? i look out at the snow and cold and say, heck no give me the warm weather or hot weather enough of the snow. Mom's memorial was tough. my ex emailed me a letter she wanted me to read and i did. I recorded it on my laptop and made it into a dvd if anybody would like email me or comment here and i'll get one out to you. it's been hard being away from my family. then my ex finally reads this blogs and seals the deal. that meaning we truly are done. maybe i still had hope, i feel that way at least. too much love for someone and not knowing how to show it. shame on me. the time away has showed me more pain. i wonder sometimes if i can make it through this. some days are better than others.if i don't talk to her i wonder what is going on then realize the new guy is there and she can't talk to me which i think sucks. when she does call my world feels complete. not that want her back but the fact that i know things are good and i can get the updates of whats going on. just saying she will always be important to my life. an amazing woman and mother. yesterday i counted my blessings. found out i am really blessed. i don't walk alone ever in this life. they say when a couple splits someone gets all the friends. i have to disagree because i thought she would get them all. yesterday showed me i have many that we share. so today i am happy. life is ok and move forward again. i hold my head up and look to the future with good friends. i am going to end here for now. huggles, Randy

saturday the 3rd

well i'm at an internet cafe in my one horse town. haven't seen anybody i really know yet but figure they're waiting till after i'm done with my mom. this has been hard for me. even harder to explain. where do i go from here. (in my life) do i want to take my time and just let it be. do i want to find someone and see if we can have something. this is never easy. i write this in hopes that if someone is interested in me they can get to know me. everyone should blog. never has writing so honest and open freed me. the burdens and stress are half of what they were before i started this. plus you get to know me, the real me. i hold nothing back. i am strong yet weak. i cry, so what, sometimes the pain of heartache is soooo great you just need to let it out. i am a protector, try to hurt someone i love or my kids. i know places where they will never find your body...just saying. not sure what i'm looking for not sure where this road is going. so i take one day at a time and hope and pray. it's all i have left. this emptiness inside is nothing i've felt before. i go forward still, for life is to short for pity parties. get busy living, or get busy dieing. huggles, Randy

friday and back in new york

just got caught up on Facebook and my ex had posted after she dropped me off at the airport. full circle, the end catches up with the beginning. she was right, about everything. my love of her grows more into a friendship as the days go by. she is an awesome woman. she has her faults but that's what makes her what she is. some days i wish i didn't have to deal with her anymore and be done with the pain. as i sit here and type i realize the pain defines me. it's making me what i am about to become. the changes and betterment of my life have defining moments. this is one of them. without her i don't know where i might be. if i had taken a different road 12 years ago. I am not sorry i chose this path, but i am sorry i did to her what i did. she should not have had to deal with what she did. i have my fair share of crap i put up with but not even close to what she endured. i sit here and look for closure. it eludes me, where do i start. i now know, just let it happen. it will come when it needs to. don't force it, don't look for it. I'm not worrying about. other things to deal with. the problems i think i may have will work out in time. the pain grows with the sadness. i realized too late what i had. it sucks and i don't want it to be like this. i will go on and live my life. be the best dad i can. love and a relationship are not in my future. I AM BROKEN. i do not know how to love a woman like she is supposed to be loved. i will turn my energy to other things. work and kids and doing that in an awesome way. so much stuff in my head don't know what to type anymore. the words are jumbled. head to full of thoughts. so i will end here. tomorrow i will try to add more. need time, lots of time. the love of my life has gone. i broke it. now it's time to mourn. till the next entry, huggles to you and your loved ones. Randy