tuesday march 6th

Well here i am at mcdonalds again eating lunch with my terrific brother chris. i just realize how much i miss him. Today is full of emotion, going through moms stuff and sorting and stacking. memories everywhere. My thoughts turn to my ex, how is she, i read on facebook she isn't feeling well. i'm concerned. i still care about her. still have love for her. I try to tell myself we are done but it doesn't feel like it. i do know we are done i just don't want it to be done. Time will help and i am ok not losing my mind or hanging onto something thats not there. just getting the thoughts out my head. i hold hope for us cuz thats all i have right now. when i get my own apartment and start working that will go away.  i know this, need to heal. i worry when i do find someone. how will she hurt? how will she feel? i care so i worry. like i said when i started, full of emotion and regrets. why didn't i do this or that. if your reading this and trying to learn something, remember this one thing, never doubt yourself. push those doubts out and do the first thing you were gonna do. i don't know how many times i wanted to just take her and do her right there through the years. we would be cleaning or moving furniture and thought, i should just take her right now. then the doubt was there. what if she says what are doing? are you crazy? or yell and say not now we are busy. don't let it stop you, that first impulse, do it, take it. if you get stopped so be it. take the chance, nothing ventured, nothing gained. that is my new motto. thats how i'm living my life now. just gonna do it. if i get shot down, so be it. learn from it and move on. ok need to go now. huggles, Randy