may 31 2012

Well here i am. That point in your life when you say "how the hell did i get here" scared, of what i may become. scared of moving on but knowing i have to. i see people around here that were out of work got hurt and can't work. on a fixed income or dss. struggling to make it day to day. will i become that? doing what i'm doing will it make me better? the economy is shit and there is no end in sight. will i work like this the rest of my life? just barely scrapping by? maybe the winters will take me, freeze me and take me. one can hope and dream. seriously i don't want that but it gets cold here damn it. will i be forced to spend a couple weeks a year with my kids? scared of the future. only i can change it. nobody's gonna make me do it. some might ask but i have to do it. the future is unknown but i can see something. it's like a painting and your the painter. it's what you put on the canvas and make it what and how you want. it's up to me now. alone because i'm a moron, an ass, a jerk and blind. well my eyes are open and i'm painting my picture. ok got that out feel better. huggles

tuesday may 29

ok changes are happening and i'm scared. scared to move on.
got my first phase of my web project done. learning new software is a pain. going to redo the whole thing and it will rock.(i hope)
missing my kids terribly and want to see them.
my plate is full right now. wow who would have thought a couple months ago i'd be here, doing what i'm doing.
all is good in my world. hurting still but have just about cut all ties with the ex. we will see what happens. hoping we can still be friends but the outlook isn't good. i still pray and hope for the best but expect the worst. i need to heal and find myself. this is so hard, thought i'd be with her forever. she was supposed to be my last. just need to get this out. need to vent. have no friends to talk to about this or care to listen. such is my life, forever alone i guess. my own doing. my burden, my cross to bear. so be it. test me lord, i will not fail. my faith is strong. my path set before and i fear but know you walk with me. so bring it big guy what else you have? i can take it, so bring it.
tomorrow is my mom's birthday. she passed in february. i miss her but know she is in a better place. Love you with all that i am. so with that i say huggles.

follow up 2

ok the last post is the last post i put up about her i think. at least like that. no more bashing or blaming. putting it behind and moving on. never wanted to hurt lourin with posts or anything was just trying to make sense of it all. it seems i did, put her in tears. i still care about her so a little compassion. time to grow up so to speak. chin up and grow from this. huggles

sunday may 27

wow what a day. busy and exhausting. I AM AWESOME,  college is ok but this virtual stuff takes some gettin used to. not sure about the live chat sessions. i'm supposed to attend but they are all wacky. seriously, i'll get it i hope. and this first project has me loopy. we are supposed to design a web page. the instructor notes gives us extra days for back order of textbooks and software. do i hard code and make it up or what? sent an email but haven't heard back. the instruction are ok i guess but confusing to me. need to really sit down and go over it i guess. just nervous and worried is all. i need this, no i want this more then anything. well almost but thats neither here nor there. going out to the sterling renn faire tomorrow and tuesday to help clean up more. can't wait, i'm excited. for helping i get a season pass which is cool. i'll be out there every sunday. ok back to the books. I am ok and nothing is wrong, huggles :)

I admit
I did it
I feel in love
an angel from above
I clipped her wings full
swallowed her soul.
She found her wings,
rang the bell,
condemned me to hell
then flew away without rings.

I cry myself to sleep,
I am a creep,
In hell i dwell,
and that's just swell.
I'll pay my price,
for not being nice.

Lesson learned,
Love still yearns,
One day out of the blue,
She'll realize she still wants you.

Changes taking place,
Life is moving at a fast pace,
When the time comes,
Will you still want some?

Time heals wounds,
Love finds goons,
Nice guys finish last,
This guy won't move fast.
He'll wait many moons,
To find the love he lost,
doesn't matter the cost.

How do you forget about the one you Love? How do you go on with your life when she's all i think about? How come everything i see reminds me of her? How do you let go? How do i move on?
The answers elude me. Time i guess and patience. Everybody tells me this is normal and it will get better. i don't want better, i want her. I don't feel complete, it's like my better half is missing. actually she is. I'm hoping time and distance will help but not so far. I didn't talk to her at all today. i feel out of sorts. I feel i should apologize, don't know why but i feel that way. Then again she never tried to contact me. guess she's over me and has moved on. guess she was blowing smoke up my skirt about everything she told me. yuppers keep me holding on just in case i guess. i'll be the back up. what happens when i'm not there? how will she survive? again no answers. I take one day at a time and hope for the best. I still cry but not as much. the pain is real. where do i go from here? how do i do this without her? she will always be a part of my life because of our kids but not like it was. thats what hurts. i brought this on myself, I could have stopped it. thats the other hurt. I'm worthless and a failure.

ok so i'm back in new york. starting college for 2 years for IT. hanging out and enjoying life. it's been a hard winding road to this point. i see the light at the end of the tunnel just wondering when i'm gonna get there. miss my family and the pain is real. i have never felt this way before. changing and growing but how do i show he r this? how do i let her know? only time i guess and patience. wait i will, i'm in no hurry. have the rest of my life ahead of me. i've made my peace and forgave. now to do what i need to do. not sure where my path may lead but it has been set before me. i take one day at a time and hope for the best. love to all and huggles. hope this finds you healthy and happy.